i was unconsensually choked, is what i experienced a form of sa or am i just feeling regret?
so i had met this guy in uni and we had hung out once, just studying very platonic. next time we hung out it was another study sesh, however this time he knew I was interested in something more romantic, he expressed he was not. well skip forward that night, he asks to watch a movie w me. throughout the night he had been touching me more and more intimately, he had known I had never done anything sexual before. well at one point he randomly chokes me without asking, hard enough that I couldn’t breathe and there was a split second I felt fear, like wow I do not know this man that well, is he going to let go? he did thank god. but he continued to choke me through the night. now I had never ever expressed any sexual fantasies to him or anything before. I would say I’ve always been curious about choking kinks and it’s something I’ve always thought I’d enjoy during sex even though I had never experienced it before. he had been rough in many other ways, biting me, clenching, pinching me, telling me he wants to make me faint, telling me he’d want to leave bruises. I thought I liked these things. he had fingered me quite abruptly, and honestly, the experience was painful. when I started saying ow he asked if it was okay and I said yeah. that night he did not try to kiss me ONCE. His fingers were inside of me before his lips had ever touched mine. he also refused to let me touch him, which was weird to me. it’s like, he had all the control, and I could not do a thing to him. he had opened up about being raped and also experiencing physical abuse.
now after this whole experience, the next morning I had thrown up because of how nauseous and absolutely shaky I was the whole night. that morning he even implied I was lying about the nausea almost as a way to escape him? I was very overwhelmed and anxious. when I told people about the experience, I praised it. it was all my sexual fantasies and I wondered wow how did he know I liked this stuff. when I mentioned that he didn’t ask, people got worried. but I justified it, saying I loved it. anyways after that night he refused to touch me or be romantic with me in anyway whilst still persisting to tell me about dark suicidal thoughts and his obsessions over a girl from his past. I was starting to realize how weird this guy was. I have cut him out of my life and blocked, but now I’ve been reflecting on the situation. it feels weird and strange. and scary, to be quite frank. what I thought was an enjoyable, intimate experience has turned into something complex. theres been these thoughts running through my mind: was he hurting me because he was taking out his own aggression out on me? Was he deranged? he never liked me, so what was running through his mind when he choked me? I thought it was this mutual beautiful moment, and now I’m starting to feel like I was just a vessel for his anger, and hurt, and trauma. im starting to feel a bit traumatized myself… well I think I am. I can’t stop thinking about it. I feel weird.
at the time, I thought I liked it, that the night was perfect, there was nothing wrong. but my feelings have changed and I can’t tell if it’s because I just simply regret doing something intimate with someone who I didn’t know well enough/not trustable, or because I truly did experience something malicious?
idk. I also have bpd so I cant even tell pain from love, so I’d like to hear more outside perspectives