2 years ago, I discovered my brother is a convicted child predator. I realized after the fact I was his first victim. I been keeping my assault a secret to my family since I made the realization. My life has been a downward spiral ever since.
Two years ago, I (34 M) was living out of my home state for college; after working ten years in kitchens, I finally had an opportunity to better myself. In October of 2024 I was asked by my dad to see if I can find information about my brother who at that time moved to California a decade ago and hasn't been in contact with us since. I discovered him on the California Megans law website; he is a high-level offender for collecting thousands of files of CP of victims under 12. I realized at that moment that my memories of my brother raping me when I was 8 years old were real. It wasn't a false memory like my mother conceived me when I told her at age 15. For context my brother and I were abandoned at a young age and later severely (not sexual) abused by our late mother and her new husband as teenagers. My mom took her life when I was 18 when she was dying of cancer. Before I made this realization about my rape, I did a lot of work to deal with my own issues that stem from my past and got to the point I could move out of state for school. After I found out, I began to unravel. I transferred back home and soon it became apparent I was not ok. The past two years I started going back to abusive relationships, periods of heavy drinking and at times bipolar/cptsd started getting unmanageable more often than before. My Dad is 75, I live with him mostly because we are the only family both of us have. I guess part of me feels like an only child now. He knows about my brothers' crimes and my mom (his ex wife) abuse, but I haven't been able admit my rape to him or anyone. I finally admitted to my new therapist a few days ago and I left my session really triggered, finally saying it out loud made it 100xs more real. I wasn't expecting to crash out and start using substances again for a day from finally acknowledging it to just my therapist. I can talk about a lot of the horrible things that happened to me, but when I acknowledge the rape, even to myself sends me in a spiral and idk why. Back on the sobriety wagon immediately after my lapse, made arrangements to NOT be alone if I have an intense session and reached out to my therapist to see if we can readjust my treatment, maybe go a bit slower. However, I feel I need to admit it to my dad at some point soon or I won't fully heal from it?