u/Complete-Reaction578

I had my first round of AC chemo on Friday and felt fine up until Saturday afternoon. Since then I've barely been able to eat anything without it trying to come back up. I'm on five different meds for nausea and they aren't helping. The doc is calling in a 6th and tells me I should turn the corner in a few days and feel better and that I'm doing everything right since I went for IV fluids yesterday. This does not make me feel better right now.

I don't want to power through. I don't want to hear how strong I am. I don't want to hear that I'm doing things right. I don't want to hear my family say they wish they could go through this for me so that I don't have to. What I want is to be able to eat something and not have it make a grand reappearance moments later. I want this to be over. I pray no one else in my family ever has to go through this. I don't want any of them to take my place.

I know I'm almost there and only have 3 rounds left, but I'm tired of feeling sick all the time. I drank a protein shake earlier that hasn't tried to come back out yet, but I'm still hungry and afraid to eat.

I don't want to do this anymore. I'm tired. Fuck cancer. Fuck chemo. Fuck nausea that I can't control no matter what I do. I'm ready to tap out and hope the chemo I've had already was enough. I still have to get through surgery and radiation too. But I can't quit or I'll always wonder if I did enough, and that pisses me off too. Fuck this whole thing. It sucks and I hate it.

Today is a rough day nausea wise. It's even worse because I need to eat something but everything tastes wrong. (Eating usually helps, but not today.) I've tried a few things but after a few bites I need to get it away from me. I just had round 8 of taxol and carboplatin on Friday and this is the worst nausea I've had so far.

I've had my nausea patch on since yesterday. I have my nausea meds. What I need is food that won't make the nausea worse. My go to foods aren't doing it this time.

Any suggestions on what you were or are able to get down on days like this? Even toast was hard to swallow after a few bites.

I just reached the mid point of TC on Friday. 6 infusions down, 6 more to go. I feel like absolute trash. All of my blood levels are low, not low enough for a blood transfusion or low enough to stop my treatment, but low enough that I feel sickly.

A few months ago I was in the gym doing over 400lbs on the leg press. Yesterday I had groceries delivered because walking through a grocery store makes it hard to breathe. I couldn't even put the damn things away because I was exhausted after putting up one bag. I'm grateful my husband and son took over, but I'm frustrated by my newfound limitations.

I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to not do things myself. I feel absolutely useless. I don't feel up to cooking much anymore because I get out of breath, so all those healthy meals I was making have been replaced by Totino's pizzas and frozen meals. I can't wash dishes or laundry without getting out of breath and having to nap after. I'm still working but thankfully it's a desk job so all I have to do is make it to my desk and then I can catch my breath.

And now I'm just screaming into the void because there's not a damn thing I can do about any of this except go through it and hope the other side gets here quickly.

Fuck cancer. Fuck side-effects. Fuck not being able to catch my breath. Fuck not having any energy. Fuck this whole thing.

So my hair loss is currently accelerating, which I expected. I also knew it would be sore and uncomfortable. What I didn't expect is to have actual little red spots/irritation on my scalp that hurt if I lay on the wrong part of my head at night or if my buzzed off hair gets moved around by my head coverings.

I'm currently using Aveeno shampoo and a moisturizing conditioner when I wash my head, but I don't know that it's actually helping since I've been using them since before the hair loss actually started. Does anyone have suggestions I can try to heal my scalp and prevent further issues?

My hair is getting thin enough I'm about to just take an electric shaver to it and be done with it. I was trying not to give myself ingrown hairs on my scalp, but I'm on the verge of not caring if it will stop the pain I'm having now. Talk me off the ledge. How did you deal with scalp irritation while losing the last of your hair?

I went to a wig shop today to try some on and found one that looks like my hair. Same color, same style, just a bit shorter. I looked so much like myself from before I got diagnosed and started chemo that I cried. It was a little tight so I have to wait for them to get a slightly larger one in, but it's worth the wait.

So I'm celebrating finding something that makes me feel like me and less like a stranger when I look in a mirror.

I could use some encouragement or tips or something. I had my chemo port placed last Tuesday and had my first chemo treatment Friday. How did you get past the fear that you'll dislodge the whole thing?

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I know it's probably silly, but I have this fear now of turning my head too much or too fast like I'm going to dislodge the whole thing by just existing. My oncologist looked at it before my chemo session and said it looked good, and it's not even been a week yet so I know I'm still healing and it'll get better and less noticeable. I know thousands of people have these and can work out and do things and live their lives with minimal impact from the device itself.

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But how did you get past the initial anxiety? Does it go away once your body gets used to it being there? Am I just expecting it to happen too fast?

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I don't really have much pain from the incision now unless I sleep with my shoulder weird, but hugging a pillow at night helps prevent that. It's my neck that I'm feeling the most anxious about. Help please?

I wasn't sure what flair to use.

I was recently diagnosed with TNBC. According to my MRI today, it's bigger than we initially thought. My husband has been amazing so far, but I know this hard for him too and we're just starting down this road. My oncology team gave me a massive book to read about what I'm about to go through, but can anyone recommend any audio books that their partner found helpful?

This is a rant. I have support people (husband, family, etc) but I was just diagnosed yesterday and they all want me to be positive and I just need to get this off my chest. No pun intended. I'll be positive later. Right now I'm pissed.

I just got remarried. We were trying for a baby and just narrowed down the cause of my secondary infertility after I miscarried in August. I was doing all the things I was supposed to do. Taking the supplements. Getting back to the gym to lose the extra weight. Cooking healthy food.

We had literally just got back from our two year anniversary trip when I felt a lump while in the shower in April. I thought I had just managed to injure myself without realizing it and ignored it for a week. I had a clean mammogram in March, why would I think otherwise.

Now I find out it's an invasive ductal carcinoma, negative for both hormone receptors, equivocal on the HER2 test and waiting of FISH results. It's grade 3, but no one has told me a stage yet. The ki-67 score is 80%. It was 17mm at the ultrasound, 19mm at the biopsy. I am 43 and I don't just have cancer. I have aggressive cancer that's actively growing while I wait for my initial appointments with the surgeon and oncologist. I have cancer that waited to rear it's ugly little head until after my mammogram. If it hadn't hurt when I touched it in the shower I might not have noticed the little beast until my mammogram next year, assuming they could even see it because my breast tissue is dense according to all my mammograms.

I'm angry. I'm scared. I'm sad. I want someone to rage at for this happening to me. I want to yell and scream. I'll do what I have to to get through this. But I have no positivity in me right now. I'll find some later, but right now rage feels better than terror.

Thank you for reading and giving me a place to vent. I've been reading threads for a week now waiting for my results and it's helping. I just needed to get this out.