Recovery safe calorie tracker?
TW a lot of ED (Ana and Mia)details
I’m 21 (afab they/them) I’ve struggled with eating disorders my whole life really. My mom was an obese woman with a restrict, binge, purge, restrict, repeat disorder who was plagued by 90s diet culture and in turn was extremely abusive to me, her only daughter about everything to do with food and my weight.
I in turn ended up with pretty much the same disorder when I was 12 or 13. I was always chubby growing up and I was also always very tall. I’m 6’ now. I ended up going full Ana when I was 17 and it got really really bad. No details necessary. I got out of that and recovered pretty well but I gained weight. I also hate what losing the weight I lost when I was really bad did to my body. The lose skin. The sagging. I hate it. I’ve started to relapse. So I’ve made a decision to start going to the gym and taking some control and trying so so hard to do this the healthy way. People tell me I look healthy but I fully don’t believe any of them. My body dysmorphia is bad it’s like I’m on shrooms or something when I’m looking at my body in a mirror. It warps,shifts, and changes. I have no idea what I look like and it’s terrifying. Calorie counting is something I had a problem with as well as neurotically weighing myself (200+ times a day) so I can’t weigh myself because that’s a slippery slope. And I have no way to track my progress. I’m so scared of gaining all the weight back. It’s debilitating. I can’t afford any kind of professional treatment.
All this to say TLDR: trying to healthily deal with gaining weight in recovery by longing to the gym and logging calories without relapsing.