Am I wrong for cutting off my mom and brother?
I (44F) have 3 kids and live with my husband on the east coast. My mom (70F) moved out here a about 5 years ago and has volunteered to help with taking my younger 2 to and from school when my husband's schedule and mine overlap so we don't have to pay for afterschool care. In recent years my brother (35M) moved in with my mom.
For Context:
My brother and I do not have a relationship at all. He is vulgar, rude and often prone to violent unpredictable outbursts. He is my half brother. His father was very abusive and violent. I literally had to fight for my life at 13yrs old against his father. I tried to set boundaries with my brother and he kept blasting me whenever he wasn't getting what he wanted so I told him I was cutting him out of my life. I tried giving him a chance again in 2021 but he was just as bad so I finally said enough. I haven't talked to him since. My mom on the other hand keeps trying to convince me he's changed but then will end up at my house complaining about him attacking her or screaming at her over something that upset him. She even told me she maced him once because he was screaming at her. He can't keep a job because he often gets fired for his attitude. He has a daughter with his high school GF, A, and I am friends with A. She and I have always had a decent friendship. She allows their daughter, B, to fly out every summer and sometimes even for spring break. Since my brother has moved here he has paid for the trip a couple of times. My niece stays with me and my kids because we have the space and we are a "safe space". If A says its safe for her to see her dad and she wants to I arrange it with my mom so they can see each other.
Side note: he has another child that was taken away from his other ex, C. Their relationship was very volatile and they had the cops at their house regularly. C then married a man from prison pen pals and had more babies. One of the babies ended up in intensive care for shaken baby syndrome. CPS got involved and took all the kids. They did not place my other niece, H, with my brother. My mom is convinced its because, C, manipulated the system. My mom is trying to get custody of H but my brother lives with her.
Now when it comes to my kids and my mom I have laid some very clear boundaries around my brother. I have told her that he is not allowed around my children or my house PERIOD. I even asked that if he calls when they are in the car to please not allow him to be on speaker because he says very vulgar things or will try to talk to them. She has broken the boundaries a couple of times and we have had to have a heated discussion about it. First few times it was talking to him on speaker and he tried to talk to my kids. The other time she took them to her house to see her cat's new kittens and he was there. I was pretty mad. She would also bring him with her to pick things up from my house or drop things off but tell him to stay in the car. She also disagrees with my parenting saying that I am too lax on my kids. She has made a huge scene screaming at my kids and driving off threatening to leave them because they woke up late. We have had a few heated discussions about how she is allowed to treat my children and if she has an issue she needs to contact me first not discipline them how she did me as a child.
Well this week it all came to a head with her. My brother inserted himself in a situation with A and lied to someone causing the situation to blow up. A confronted him and he started sending threats to have A beat up and even bragged that she couldn't get the domestic violence charges to stick last time but this time he'd make sure she was hit hard enough to make it stick. A contacted me because my niece is coming out soon and requested that I keep B from her dad because he is not acting like a safe rational person right now. I informed my mom and she went off on me.
I did my best to stay calm until she said "I have a right to be who I am and to handle the situations the way I see fit when they're in my care so fuck off." I took that as she was saying she has the right to do whatever she wants with my kids when they are with her completely disregarding my boundaries.
I have worked my butt off to make sure my kids have a peaceful safe home and have never gone through any sort of domestic violence or violence period. That is in direct opposite of what I grew up in with her.
I told her to get her phone ported off my family plan put in a change of address for her packages and get out of my life. I am mailing her all her spare keys she had me hold onto and blocking her number on all our phones.
I attached her texts for context.
My oldest hates her and my middle is about in the same boat. My youngest said he just "knows she's nuts."
Am I making the right move cutting her out of our lives completely?