really need advice pls
hi, this is my first time posting ever and i don’t know if anyone will even see this but honestly at this point im lowkey desperate and have nothing to lose (sorry for the long post). i have several family members who have ocd, all of whom have different types. some physical, some have intrusive thoughts only, some both. i’ve only ever had really bad + constant intrusive thoughts. the thing is, it comes and goes. like i could go weeks without having any but the moment something triggers it again, it wont go away. i’ve had this for years now, as early as 13-14 years old.
for the longest time i thought something was genuinely wrong with me because i couldn’t understand why i was having such horrible unwanted thoughts. it’s about a lot of things, god, myself but mostly family. like wishing harm against family members that i love. it’s gotten so bad to the point where i have to say prayers and repeat affirmations constantly, multiple times a day. when i wake up, while i’m doing literally anything, before i eat, while im eating, while im watching something (pausing the video multiple times to say it), before i sleep. sometimes i even think i’ve said something wrong and i have to redo it over and over until it sounds right.
i also check the stove and make sure the doors are locked every single night, multiple times. sometimes i even have to take a picture just to avoid getting out of bed to check again.
this has honestly become so draining and i’ve cried more times than i can count. i’m only 18 but i’m genuinely worried about how im supposed to live my life. am i just going to have to put up with this forever? medication and therapy isn’t an option for me right now and i can hardly talk to anyone else about this without crying because its so frustrating and even a little embarrassing that these thoughts have so much control over me. i’ve been told several times to just stop thinking about it and ignore it and that it’ll go away eventually but that’s not true, at least not in my case. i feel really guilty for even feeling this way because i know others have it way worse but this is genuinely beginning to have an affect on my mental health and i don’t know what else to do. im really hoping someone who has recovered or is actively recovering from ocd will see this and give me literally any tips at all that will actually help.