My gf committed a suicide and I don’t know how to live with this guilt anymore
I’ve been carrying this for a long time, but today I learned something that completely broke me.
I was with my girlfriend for two years. Before we met, she already struggled with depression and self-harm. But I cheated on her for about five months. When she found out, I realized how badly I had hurt her. I decided to completely change. I removed every other girl from my social media and devoted myself entirely to her. I spent all my time, money, and effort trying to make things right.
She seemed happy, but sometimes she suddenly called me crying or got angry saying she can’t trust anyone anymore and I would try my best to comfort her.
Four months later, she died by suicide.
Since then, I’ve been overwhelmed with guilt and shame. I couldn’t face her friends or other people’s opinions. I fell into depression, dropped out of college, and have basically spent my life playing games and trying to escape reality.
Today, one of her friends told me something I had never known before. Apparently, while we were dating, my girlfriend once went to a club for fun. She knowingly drank a drink that had been spiked. She also told her friends that she had no hope left.
Learning this today has completely shattered me. I’ve already been taking antidepressants, but now I feel a level of guilt that makes it hard to imagine continuing my life.
I can’t stop thinking that everything is my fault. I don’t know how to live with this guilt anymore. I don’t even know what I’m asking for. I guess I just want to know if anyone has ever survived something like this, because right now I honestly don’t know how to keep going.