u/Comprehensive-Toe645

Hello friends, I was needing advice. Is this first chapter of my manuscript intriguing enough to keep as a first chapter? I’m at the querying stage and some feedback I got from an agent led me to want double check my story structure and pacing. Since many agents/editors have stated they can tell if there are issues within the first ten pages, I’d thought I’d try to identify if it’s my opening pages that are stoping agents from continuing. Thanks in advance!!

In addition to the above, would you keep reading if this book was in your hands? Thanks again!

Chapter 1:
Innocence is the first to die.
No mortal is born without first having to shut Death's Door to survive past infancy.
By design, Death's Door opened inward. Whether opened by accident or intention, It must be closed by reaching in. It's not a physical door where a knob is grabbed and slammed shut. Rather, It's the threshold where Death is bribed.
The first bribe is made by the God that created the mortal. If the Door is ever opened again, the mortals had to pay the toll themselves. Some Gods favored their mortals and took the time to barter, but no matter the offer, Innocence was always the price.
Allie had no one to pay her bribe when she was born. When Death's Door opened for the first time, she remembered walking out of It. Death Itself told her that she didn’t have the Innocence that other mortals had. 
Perhaps she should have asked a few questions. 
When Death's Door opened a second time, there had been a knob for her to tug on. It was a physical door that Allie had opened, not knowing that a demon and devil lay waiting outside.
Ignorantly, she'd welcomed them. She’d been 12. Death said she had no Innocence.
Death lied.
This day was a reminder of what she no longer had, of who she lost. But instead of mourning, she was stuck wishing she could hang up the damn phone.
Allie looked across the café patio table. Her phone screen was frozen on a pixelated man. "Arro, I can call back later if you're having trouble." 
"No, mija, I can see you. I just don't think you can see me right now—ah! There we go," Arro's blurry image cleared. "You look great, mija. Are they treating you well?"
Allie laid her phone against her bag and angled it so it was hidden. If she was caught with an unauthorized device, she'd be punished. Given that she was in the center of town, it wasn't her brightest idea.
"A little tired, actually," she said and looked around at the streets. "We have a meeting with investors which means double checking everyone's scripts. It's a lot of all-nighters."
She'd come here to escape the feeling of not being alone while she was supposed to be alone. But the longer she stayed, the more it felt like she was being watched.
Several blocks to her right was the church and its gardens. Behind her was the main shopping district. The Stable was a building so large it took up the view in several directions. It had the hospital to the left of Allie, while the connected research building lay dead ahead.
"So you aren't sleeping." Arro shook his head. "I can't say I like hearing that."
She rolled her eyes. "I promise to get more sleep once it's over."
"Is that what's really bothering you?"
When she glanced behind her, shadows ducked behind structures. She ignored them and turned back to Arro. Sleep was the last thing on her mind. Allie used her hand to smooth her raised arm hair.
Maybe she should eat real food instead of self medicating with caffeine.
It was nearly six o'clock, people were going home, or to dinner. That's all it was. No one had the time to play pranks after a long day at work.
"Mija, I know the anniversary never comes and goes quietly, but you need to rest," Arro said.
Allie jumped as the waitress passed by. "Is this the part where you warn me about their ghosts?" She sipped her drink.
The shadows were watching. But she couldn't prove it. It made her wired in all the wrong ways. She was so tense her legs felt like they belonged to someone else. Allie unclenched her numb toes. Pin pricks travelled up her legs.
"I should talk to your boss about this. What was his name again?"
"Yeah, not happening, Arro. You don't get to babysit me from the other side of the country. Everything will go back to normal soon," Allie said.
A flash of light in her peripheral vision made her freeze. Was that a camera? No. It couldn't have been. Shadows don't have cameras.
It's just a flash from the bus headlights.
Allie toyed with her straw as a chill settled at the base of her spine. "I should go. Let me know if any problems come up with the package I sent you." Allie quickly packed her things.
"I will. Go make an omelet or two. And please call me papi at least, y feliz cump—"
She hung up and slipped the phone into her bag. The fear in her heart lingered. Allie was alone. At least until the shadows made themselves known again.
Sleep deprivation, plus grief, plus stress? Perfect cocktail for hallucinations.
There was nothing to worry about. None of it was real. Allie glanced at the Stable as she walked toward the church.
The Stable, her employer, was the largest research facility in the country. Not because the building was the largest, but because it owned the entire town surrounding it.
Over one thousand people, all meant to keep the Stable as the only EnSol producer on the planet. Only a few hundred of those people were for the surrounding shops meant to keep staff happy on their off days.
The Stable was wider than it was tall with pale stone walls that reached up to the sky. Tinted windows hid the laboratories on the upper stories, only the ground floor let the natural light filter in.
Allie could see a security guard at the front desk, already settled in for his evening shift. When he saw her, she waved. He waved back.
She hadn't gone to work today. It was the one day a year she needed to be alone. But if she had known that shadows would follow her, today of all days, she would've just stayed at work.
The path to the church was a short distance from the coffee shop. Not that anything was more than a short distance from anything. The entire town was meant to be walkable, the buses passed routinely even when no one was on them.
She turned onto the stone walkway to the church.
Unlike the Stable, the church was a small building, but big enough to house a variety of faith believers.
Muslims, Christians, Hindus, and most popularly, followers of Mother's Womb—the largest religious organization on the continent.
She reached the gorgeous structure with carved white walls, arched brick towers and long paved walkways. The tops of the towers were surrounded by hand carved gargoyles that were almost translucent. The gargoyles' eyes, teeth, and claws were made of jewels that glinted in the sun.
Its extravagance was the only taste of wealth many would ever experience in their life. Despite being a fraction of the size, it wouldn't surprise her if this one small church cost more than the entirety of the Stable.
Allie stepped onto a square tiled walkway that led to the open atrium of death candles. Just outside of the arched entrance of the glass room was a large yet delicately crafted crate of unlit candles.
She plucked three and walked into the atrium. In the center of the room was a beautiful stone altar covered in an elegantly woven cloth. Along its weaved edged were gold tinted shapes that she could only assume was scripture, written in a language she didn't know. Several lit candles among piles of melted wax seeped into the cloth. Allie looked around for matches.
"I didn't even see you come in," a gentle voice said behind her. "Welcome, doctor."
A light-blue robed disciple, with a broach atop her shoulder had entered the atrium with quiet steps. She flicked out her hand and offered a lit match.
"I was wondering where you were, Irene," Allie said and lit one candle with the match. "I'm sorry I'm late, the talk with Arro took longer than usual." Allie leaned the lit candle forward to light the other wicks then placed them on the altar.
"Don't be. Our doors are always open for you." Irene closed her eyes and bowed to the altar.
Allie kissed three fingertips and pressed them to the altar, one for each of her lost loved ones.
Brother. Mom. Dad.
The toll paid to close Death's Door a second time.
She prayed for their safe passage to the Garden of Peace. Every year, she would come here and ensure their spirits knew they weren't forgotten.
Arro was the only one she had left. After their murders, he took over her family's pharmaceutical guild and fought viciously to keep their legacy alive. She knew he missed them as much as she did.
Once Allie finished her prayer, she walked backwards out of the room. Irene followed suit and bowed to the entrance. Once free of the atrium, Irene hugged Allie's arm and tugged her outside to the gardens.
The vast garden stretched to the edge of the town. Some plants were decorative, but most were bushes and trees that bore food so the less fortunate could eat when the kitchens were closed.
Not that there were any homeless allowed this close to a government facility. But if there were, the church wouldn't allow them to go hungry. Allie's fingers brushed a young tree. It was too young to grow fruit, but it received just as much care as the rest.
"I hope you didn't wait too long for me," Irene said and let her arm go.
"I don't have many friends outside of work, so I didn't mind the wait. What kept you?" Allie prodded. Anything to get her mind off what today was would leave her blessed.
"Oh, it's our quarterly celebration of birthdays!" Irene clapped her hands.
I shouldn't have asked.
Allie forced a smile. "Oh, how exciting."
"Our bakers made some delicious bread, I'll grab some for you—“
"No," Allie snapped, her voice suddenly hoarse and airy. A gift? She couldn't think of anything worse.
Irene froze mid-step.
Allie looked down, her hands wouldn't stop shaking. She cleared her throat. "No, thank you," Allie said more calmly. "I won't be needing any today."
"Of course, my apologies. Given what you're here for," Irene bowed her head.
Allie's cheeks reddened. She avoided Irene's gaze. First the shadows, now this? Nausea rolled in her gut.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have," Allie hesitated. How could she say 'I don't like gifts' without sounding like a freak?
Irene shook her head. "I am here for whatever you need. Please don’t think you owe me an apology. Mother will forgive both our transgressions today." Irene guided them around the last bend.
When they reached the entrance to the church, Irene took Allie's hands and waited.
"Thank you, birthdays are just not my thing," Allie squeezed Irene's hands.
Irene offered another gentle smile, bowed, and turned back to the church.
Orange kissed the sky, the moon was already visible over the horizon. Two out of three duties were now checked off her to-do-list, and there was plenty of light for the last errand.

Allie stepped on her neighbor’s front porch. In one hand was a paper bag with colored pencils, wax crayons, and a coloring notebook. She'd wanted to get paint as well, but Eka hated mess that didn't come from gardening. Before Allie could knock, the door swung open.
"See, see? I told you she was coming!" Pythia sang. He hugged her knee and looked up with a dimpled smile. He barely came up to the middle of her thigh.
Allie snickered and ruffled his hair. 
"Give her space to move in, boy." Eka pulled him to the side. Her graying hair was tied loosely back.
Allie walked inside. Eka's living room was taken up by a large table with only two chairs on one side. The table had trays of various seedlings and potting soil.
As soon as Allie set the bag down, Pythia climbed onto the table and dove into it. He pulled out the box of crayons and ripped it open.
"I just wanted to drop these off before I get back to work tomorrow," Allie said.
"Ah, yes. You were off today for your birthday, I remember." Eka rubbed soil off on her apron.
Allie sighed. Every year it was the same thing. "No, Eka. We've been over this. My birthday isn't for several months."
Eka pulled a piece of paper from her apron and opened it. It was a cutely drawn white birthday cake with colorful chunky sprinkles. Little flames were above the numbered candles on the top. The candles read '25'. No doubt the handiwork of Pythia.
Allie gave a terse smile. Her heart thumped painfully in her chest.
"You can't lie to a psychic. We see all," Eka stared through her brow.
Allie cleared her throat. "I'm 27. I thought psychics saw the future, not the past. If your mind is running two years behind schedule, I don't mind scheduling you a wellness exam." She crossed her arms and tried to look threatening.
Eka held eye contact and folded the drawing. "It was a joke." She held out her arms.
Allie took the invitation and hugged her. Eka smelled of thyme and cloves. The stress of the day drifted away in the old woman's arms. Allie rolled her eyes when paper crinkled into her back pocket.
Eka pulled back and patted Allie on the shoulder. "Peaceful night, Allie."
"Goodnight, Eka. Bye, Pythia," Allie waved at him.
He waved a crayon at her but didn't look up.
Allie avoided Eka's lawn and used the sidewalk to get to her own house. Her home was the last one on this edge of town. She glanced across the open field that turned into a heavy wooded nature preserve. Most of the shadows came from the trees.
She hurried into the safety of her living room and took out the cake drawing. Would Pythia hate her if she threw it away? Allie eyed the trash can. It would eat her alive if she did. Begrudgingly, she folded the paper and dropped it in a drawer.
After all these years, there was still no one she could trust. She could excuse Eka and Pythia wanting to wish her a happy birthday. But Arro, of all people, should know better.
Allie rubbed her neck. Despite the legal documents that stated otherwise, today, she turned 25 years old. 
It was also the anniversary of the worst day of her life.