u/ComprehensiveAd1275

My partner and I are both 27. We both decided to give our relationship another shot after about 3 months apart. Since we’ve given our relationship another shot, we constantly found ourselves in very heated arguments. Yesterday was the last one. I was crying because we had gotten in another disagreement that morning, and he did what he does best, he got angry and told me things to hurt me purposefully. He had apologized and told me he didn’t mean it, and that he won’t do it again, but idk, I just got very sad after because I was thinking to myself that if I react in any kind of way that he doesn’t like he explodes. It was all getting to me and I began to cry, he asked me what’s wrong and I was extremely hesitant to speak up. I told him I didn’t want him to take it as an attack… so he said he’ll be right here whenever I was ready to open up to him. As soon as I began to tell him what’s wrong, he immediately exploded and accused me of “victim maxing” once again because apparently I cry too much… this broke my heart and I panicked. I frantically tried to calm him down and tell him that I’m not doing that and that I’m not angry with him but he would just get angrier. He told me this was the last time he wanted to see me. He got so angry I could see so much aggression on my face. I pleaded with him to calm down through tears, but because I was crying harder now it only made things so much worse. He began to degrade me, telling me how much he hates me, and calling me names, even told me to “get the fuck out of my house.” This is something I’ve been told so often in the past, one time I actually left and somehow, it was still my fault for leaving because he told me last minute he didn’t mean it. Once I’ve taken too much and I start to defend myself, I get told I’m crazy. I am told that he reacts this way because of me, because I’m so dead set on making him out to be an abusive partner, so he’s only giving me what I want… after we both calmed down we agreed that we would just go our separate ways. So, I just wanted to make our last night together as nice as we possibly could, so I was trying to cuddle with him. Every time I reached for him he angrily pushed, or kicked me away. When I gently reached for him again, he said, “oh my god, just fucking leave my life already.” And when he would finally cuddle, he would treat my body as if it were a rag doll, he would move me around very harshly. I’m dead set on this being the end this time… he called me crazy for wanting to fix things and blamed me for his unhappiness, but I much rather be crazy for giving this relationship my all, than be the abusive one that reacts to everything with so much anger and hate. I’m just hurt, I was the one to end things the first time around because of this behavior, and now he’s just treating me like some annoying, worthless nobody to him…

My boyfriend and I have just very recently made the decision to rekindle after a 3 month break-up. One of the issues that caused us to end things was frequent miscommunication. Whenever I wanted to communicate about an issue he would tell me I was attacking him and would treat me very coldly out of anger and frustration. This is something that is still proving to be an issue between us now. He tells me that I’m nitpicking every little thing that he does, but I sincerely don’t mean to come off that way and really just want to be able to communicate about something as a means to fix it. The thing is, no matter how hard I try to reassure him that I’m not saying anything as a way to make him feel like a terrible partner, it still somehow ends in him being very angry with me and feeling like I’m only doing it to make him feel shitty. I have tried so hard in different ways like using the whole I statements and focusing on what I felt while actively being mindful that I’m not accusing him of anything, I even try being patient with his outbursts and show validation in his emotions even if what he’s saying is very hurtful to hear. I find myself constantly stating that my sole purpose is to communicate how certain things made me feel and even how certain things made him feel and what things we can either compromise or clarify on so that we can solve it and move on but it’s almost as if no matter how clear I am about what my intentions are, he actively refuses or just doesn’t care. I just want to establish boundaries or expectations in a healthy manner. This has caused us both stress, especially since we are coming back from something that ended on not very good terms. All I want is to pretty much bury the past and stop it from reoccurring.

So I’m reaching out as a way to figure out what other methods I can try or possibly do differently. I have asked him already what I could possibly say differently or how I could approach him differently but all I get in response is a very annoyed, “I don’t know.” We both already agreed that if we continue to argue very frequently that we should just end things for good since it’s probably for the best. I obviously don’t want that and he says he doesn’t either but I also don’t want to be incapable of communicating. Honestly, I feel very terrible when I put myself in both perspectives and knowing we fail to come to any sort of resolve. Any advice or even just feedback on this is very appreciated.