Newly estranged from my sister. Need advice. I hope I can post in this thread.
I don’t know what to do. I’m truly at a loss on how to handle…everything. I don’t even know where to start. 3 months ago my sister and I went no contact. There was a pattern of cruel behaviors and sometimes verbal abuse from her. She’s been that way for as long as I could remember. It’s a known thing throughout immediate & extended family and friends as they have witnessed it many times over the years. I need to give a little bit of a backstory here. Our dad died just over 2 years ago, my mom had donated some of his dress clothes. Nothing he wore day to day but nonetheless my mom had an extremely difficult time doing that. She had texted in our family group chat that she went and donated things because she was looking for an ounce of support. My sister went orbital. There’s a pattern of that. I have mistakenly in recent years ended up agreeing with her too much with basically everything to keep the peace. I didn’t really voice opinions but I tried to validate hers without making her escalate. We all kind of done that including her husband. But she went orbital and was private messaging me about how she didn’t want our dad’s “left over scraps” and how it’s cruel our mom did that without telling her. I said yeah I don’t have anything really and I live in the house but I don’t have any interest in doing that or going into his room and looking at things yet. My mom had told her many times to come over and take whatever she wanted. My sister had basically entirely stopped coming to our house except for 2 times since he died bc he died in the house and she told us she can’t take being here because of that. We just said okay, and my mom still said please just come get what you want. She never came to look so my mom took the stuff he didn’t wear and donated it. However after my mom sent the text to us in the group my sister carried on for I am not exaggerating, 7 hours via text about this in the group. When I got home I saw my mom essentially having a mental break down because of my sisters MANY cruel messages about how fucked up our mom is and is inconsiderate, amongst other things. So as I’m witnessing this in person my sister is still actively sending messages about it. I finally told her to stop talking. It’s like beating a dead horse. There’s a ton of clothes still here (she wouldn’t have known my mom donated anything if she didn’t mention it) and she kept going and then I finally said shut up you sound like an asshole now. And she went…I don’t even know the word. I aggressively cursing me and my mom out in the chat saying I was saying the same shit as she was in our messages and I’m a fucking bitch for backstabbing her. And as I always did, I messaged her to deescalate and was apologizing to her. This time that didn’t work. she then proceeded to continue to call me a disloyal fucking bitch and I’m coddled and took advantage of her (I’m still unsure what that means, she said the same to our mom too.) and told me to never contact her and she blocked me on WhatsApp and Instagram. And I definitely should not have contacted her but at this point I was at my breaking point. Enough was enough after years of trying to just make her stop being so aggressive all of the time and all of the abusive shit she would say. I sent her a very long message detailing everything she had done to me, publicly to humiliate me and privately when she told me she wanted to murder me & how I continued to let that go because at the end of the day I stilled care bc she’s my older sister. She mentioned me taking advantage of her and ended up calling my mom before I ever responded to her cursing her out and mentioned that she bought me my plane ticket home when I was in a literal crisis situation on the other side of the country and paid to have my car picked up and shipped back basically the next day. That costs money I understand. This was also 6 years ago. I was unemployed and needed help. In my message I told her that I would Venmo her 150 every 2 weeks to pay her back since it was seen as me taking advantage. I absolutely said way too much and it was too long but in the moment I was so incredibly worked up I basically didn’t sleep for 3 days thinking about it all. It was all things she could use as ammunition later because I said too much. I was desperately trying to get her to understand and take accountability for constantly being cruel. So I sent my message on regular texts assuming that maybe I wasn’t blocked there too and blocked her after. I went to send her money almost immediately and she blocked me on Venmo. I sent money to my brother in law and he sent it back. Then I sent her another message about how bizarre it is to complain about money and then make it impossible for me to give her money. I don’t want to be in a financial chokehold with her. But whatever I sent that and blocked her again. I have no idea if she got it or not, I’m assuming she did? And since there’s been nothing. I didn’t hear from my BIL which I get, he’s going to side with his spouse even though he usually is the peacemaker. I’m still blocked by her everywhere. I wasn’t invited to my nephews birthday. I haven’t seen them since Christmas. I made sure to work on mother’s day so my mom could just go there and avoid conflict but she didn’t invite my mom over. She treats my mom nice in person but now it’s surface level and nothing beyond that. My mom told me she’s afraid of her and also didn’t want to lose her grandkids so she let it go. She didn’t mention my sister cursing her out in the phone and didn’t expect an apology—and my sister didn’t give her one. They used to call each other everyday, that’s all done now. I’m not sure why she’s so mad/stand offish with our mom, my mom didn’t say anything mean to her at all. Recently she sent my mom a quote or something about how she gets so angry and verbal because my mom is “a safe space” for her. Sounded like manipulation or giving herself a pass to me but whatever. I just shook my head. My mom just agreed with her to avoid further conflict. This weekend I had to see in person for the first time. I was in turmoil over it. And we ended up saying hi But she did the awkward fake hug? It was weird so I tried to use humor to cut the tension a little and told her that our mom was cursing people out driving (to a family members wake) she did laugh and I told her “nice shoes” and she said thanks. Other than that nothing else then today she didn’t really look at me but gave me another awkward hug goodbye. My BIL also was stand offish but was more normal in regular conversation with me. However the anticipation of everything (the grief of losing an aunt) traveling for the services, trying to keep my mom afloat as much as I could, and seeing her my nervous system is shot. I thought I’d feel an ounce of relief after everything was just done but I don’t. It made me rethink everything and how I wish I just never messaged her at all and I think I’m the problem. I’m at the point where I’m convinced it’s me. I just couldn’t take it anymore though, after years and years of verbal abuse and the pattern of escalation with her behaviors..I was exhausted. I had to defend myself at least once but she couldn’t take it. I was composed in my message I didn’t assassinate her character at all I just talked about actual situations that happened it was a 180 from her messages to me. But I think I’m the problem now and my mom keeps saying just to me “things will never be the same. I grew up with a broken family and I didn’t want to deal with it in my old age” which makes me feel like it’s my fault for telling her to shut up and that she sounded like an ass. But my mom literally says all the time “you were her target for YEARS, then you weren’t for the past 6 years and now you’re her target again and it’s going to be awful” Now I feel like I have to fix it by saying it’s still my fault that she always went orbital but I’ve always done that. But it’s exhausting taking the blame for her outbursts/episodes/behavior, yet again. I don’t want to do that again and I’m not looking for closeness but I also don’t want this high level of animosity or tension and just be civil enough to be in the same room for birthdays and holidays. Completing cutting her out isn’t an option even though having no real contact with her is a relief but because I live with my mom, I’m still intertwined with her through my mom. if I didn’t live at home I think this would be a lot easier because there would an extra layer of distance. Now I’m at a loss on what to do. How do other people handle situations like this? Do I just apologize so there’s a level of peace or do I suck it up and say nothing & continue with the no contact but going to keep having uncomfortable in person encounters with her??
Sorry for the book. I have no one to talk to about this.