22F feeling overly sexualized by 24M long-distance guy I genuinely like, am I overreacting?
I (22F) have been talking to a guy I met in college (23M) long distance for a while and I genuinely really like him. We have insane chemistry, talk for hours, flirt constantly, and there’s definitely emotional attachment there on both sides. He calls me pet names, checks in on my life, remembers details about me, talks to me about dating/relationships/getting married sometimes, etc., so I don’t think he ONLY wants sex. There genuinely are good qualities about him that I really like, which is part of why this is emotionally hard for me.
The problem is that almost every conversation eventually becomes sexual, and I’m starting to wonder if this is even normal.
Recently we were on FaceTime and he asked if we could masturbate together. I refused and told him that I really like him, which is exactly why I want to do things the “right way” and not rush into sexual stuff. After that we continued speaking normally until he stopped me mid-sentence and told me it was “a lot for him right now” and that he needed to hang up to “off his load” and would call me back after… which he did.
This especially bothered me because we already had a huge argument months ago over me feeling overly sexualized in the relationship. I even blocked him for a while because I felt like every interaction was turning into sex or sexual tension. His response was basically that him being extremely attracted to me is “human nature” and that wanting me sexually doesn’t mean sex is his only intention with me. And honestly, I understand that intellectually. I know attraction is normal. But emotionally, it still feels like almost every interaction circles back to sex eventually, even after we already talked about how uncomfortable that dynamic makes me.
I understand I’m physically attractive. I know I’m a very pretty girl and I have a nice body/shape. I've dated tons of athletes and artists, blah blah blah. Like I understand I am conventionally attractive and naturally attract a lot of guys. But I genuinely hate feeling reduced to only that. I graduated from a prestigious university, I’m beginning medical school at an IVY, and trying to build a serious future for myself. I haven’t had sex in almost 3 years because I genuinely view my body and intimacy as emotionally significant. I don’t sleep with people casually, and I think that’s why this dynamic is affecting me so much.
When we reconnected, I explained to him that I’m not someone who does casual sex well emotionally. I get deeply attached after sex and I need emotional closeness, safety, and intentionality before physical intimacy. I literally told him that because I like him so much, I want to do things the “right way.”
Another thing that’s messing with my head is that he’s told me stories about casually sleeping with other women while traveling/long distance and being able to emotionally move on afterward because “it wasn’t that serious.” He also mostly talks to women older than him (28+), which honestly makes me wonder if he’s just at a completely different stage emotionally than I am.
Meanwhile, I know for a fact that if I slept with him, I would become emotionally attached and probably devastated afterward if things stayed casual.
He’s visiting the states in a couple months and keeps making comments/jokes about sleeping with me when he gets here. Meanwhile, I honestly don’t think I can do it because I already know we probably aren’t compatible long term relationship-wise. I want marriage, emotional security, stability, intentional love, etc. I don’t think I can emotionally handle sleeping with someone who I’m not convinced would actually be a good long-term partner for me.
The thing is, I don’t know what to actually DO at this point. I’ve already blocked/unblocked before and I don’t want another huge emotional monologue or dramatic confrontation. I still genuinely like him and enjoy talking to him, but I also feel emotionally exhausted by the constant sexual tension and confusion.
Part of me is even wondering if he thinks I’m dumb for still talking to him after repeatedly telling him I’m uncomfortable with how sexual things become.
Is this kind of behavior actually normal in modern dating/long distance situations? Am I overreacting? Does this sound fundamentally incompatible? And honestly, how do I emotionally detach from someone you have intense chemistry and attachment with when you know deep down they probably aren’t right for you long term?
TL;DR: I’m talking to a guy long distance who I genuinely really like and have insane chemistry with, but almost every interaction eventually becomes sexual even after multiple conversations about me not being comfortable with that dynamic. He says him being extremely attracted to me is “human nature” and doesn’t mean sex is his only intention, but I still feel overly sexualized and emotionally unsafe sometimes. I know I’d become deeply attached if we slept together, while he seems much more capable of casual intimacy/emotional compartmentalization. I’m focused on med school and my future right now and I’m struggling with whether this is normal modern dating behavior, a compatibility issue, or if I’m overreacting. I also don’t know how to emotionally detach from someone I have strong feelings/chemistry with.