my dad living with my step sister her whole life but only 3 with me,, it makes me unable to grow
im 19f, my dad left when I was three and had a child with another woman when i was probably 6. ever since he left and until I was a teen, I was going up on train by myself every weekend to see my dad his new wife and after my sister. as a child i was used to it and didn’t really thought but looking back at it I was doing a lot, only to have a semi part on this family. they just go the park 5 times and one with me, I can’t be compared as a real member of this family im not with them im something more that comes on certain days. my dad told me her wife didn’t knew how to act, and that all this years while I was sitting on the sofa waiting for someone to talk to me, he was feeling that awkwardness. at 14 I stopped going except for Christmas or birthday because I wanted to have time with my friend, they thought that i was rough by doing that but my friends offered me real time and care, not four days of the months then going weeks like I never existed. I would honestly have prefer my dad to be dead or never speaking to me again, I could have learn to accept it. “he just didn’t wanted a child” , but in here this is not true, he wanted a child but this child could not be ME.
I am not blaming my dad for having a child, marrying another woman, or lefting me at 3. but my feeling of watching my dad live my sister‘s whole life with her ? i dont even have words, my father knows how I feel we are going to family therapy with my mom and him (yes, after 18 years and me going to the hospital he finally sit on a train to see me, how nice!) but he can’t do anything about it, my person emotions and life are all fucked up so that he could live he’s perfect life with a perfect wife and a perfect children, I feel like he failed me so he had to redo it. him saying to my sister that I was the ugly child and that she was the pretty one really affected me, as if being the one out of their family wasn’t enough, I was also the ugly one. (I never go out and don’t have friends because I feel that im too ugly for this world criteria, thanks dad)
I don’t want to have a job a friend a boyfriend a house or do anything on my own, my mom say that it’s because im sick, I prefer them to think that but it’s really that I don’t want to i feel like my childhood didn’t had something and I wouldn’t feel this way if I didn’t have to saw another child get everything with MY dad. I feel like I was waiting all this time and that he will comeback or I would have a dad at some point in my life that I cook with or wake up with in the morning or just a dad on the couch I don’t know why they are all telling me to find a job, I still didn’t have passed 18 years with my dad so im not an adult right ?