TW- family gathering
Throwaway account since I have family on main- I genuinely don’t know how to process what’s happened to me because I feel like I’m losing my mind. I recently traveled out of state with my wife’s father to help bring my wife’s grandfather back home so I could become his caregiver. I left my job, lost my health insurance, and was completely dependent on them while I was there. I had no car, very little money, and was states away from my support system. While we were there, my wife’s father sexually assaulted me. The hardest part is that my trauma response was not fight or flight. It was fawning/compliance. I have a long history of childhood sexual abuse from my own father, and my nervous system learned very early that appeasing people was sometimes the safest way to survive situations where I felt trapped or powerless. Now I feel like I’m being judged more for “not saying no enough” than he is for isolating and taking advantage of me in the first place. My wife supports me, but some family members have asked things like “why didn’t you just say no,” and it’s making me spiral because I already lost most of my family once as a child after disclosing abuse. I’m having nightmares, panic attacks, hypervigilance, and intense anger. I feel isolated and emotionally exhausted. I don’t know how to be okay with justifying my actions to those who don’t understand but I also don’t want this to ruin my marriage. Also it should be noted I went through four years of intense trauma therapy including CBT, DBT, EMDR, talk therapy, empty chair etc for my previous traumas. I’ve just never had an outside family ask me to put myself on trial for their sake and I’m really struggling. Also this is a WLW relationship for anyone wondering. I’m lost, hurt, confused, angry. All of the above.