Is ‘nothing’ better than this?
(34m) struggled with depression my entire life. I’ve tried meds, I’ve tried therapy, I’ve tried a different attitude, I’ve tried just saying yes to things, I’ve tried listening to my gut, I’ve tried not caring. I’ve tried cutting out the ‘toxicity’.
But it always leads back here. I just feel deeply sad. I miss all the people who weren’t who I thought they were or who have passed. I miss feeling like i had people I could rely on. I miss not having to do everything for everyone else. I miss being inspired by something. I miss enjoying music. I miss feeling like I want a future. I miss the hope. I miss not having such a cynical outlook. I miss not feeling like it’s me. I can’t remember the last time I was proud of something I’d done.
I feel like I’m constantly grieving. I feel angry and exhausted. I feel like I’m drowning.
Is this it? Until it’s over? Is this why older people are at peace when they die?