No longer an option…
I’ve struggled with cyclical depression all my life, substance abuse, anxiety, minor OCD, and recently diagnosed bpd. Tried my first attempt around 8 when the abuse started and patiently waited 29 for attempts 2 & 3 - they were back to back in the same day, intentional OD and neither did the trick. That day was one of the last days I experienced real true fear.
Fear that I don’t get to leave when I want to. Fear that I have to figure out how to be content enough to survive because someone or something isn’t allowing me to cut it short. At 8, the belt broke. At 29, fully sober, half a gram iv fentanyl only put me to sleep for 12 hours and when I woke up the second iv did the exact same. Not sure why I didn’t jump, that’s how I always wanted to do it.
I love the feeling of falling. Well, physically…. Not emotionally.
I did it at my mom’s house in her bathroom without a note. I spent an entire 24 hours jn a bathroom and not one person noticed. No missed calls, no texts, no knocks at the door, no ambulances called. I’m not saying I wanted anyone to see that, I’m just putting the environment I woke up to into perspective. I came to and realized this, immediately going into an ego death. I am nobody, doing nothing, and not one part of the world I live in stopped for me.
FUCK. I always thought I might be something or someone people love and think about, but I played a part in pushing people away - I think I could have tried harder. Maybe.
Anyways, the only way I was able to pull myself out of that hole was the relief I get from knowing I could always try again.
And then I might a girl. Way too pretty for me. She knew me before I ever had to over-explain who I am and why I’m that way - she saw me first. She cherished me the way I wanted to cherish myself and loved me the way someone told me I deserved to be loved.
2 months in, she’s pregnant. 3 years in, pregnant with #2. I never thought I’d live this long or be old enough to be a father yet she came into my life and gave me something I never thought I’d have. How do I show my gratitude and my appreciation for something so incredible and beautiful?
I guess I just gotta live so I can show up not only for her, but for my children.
It’s no longer an option. And the guilt I’ve felt having that thought and those emotions is treacherous, but I’m trying to do it for just long enough to where I can do it for myself.
Not many people know I’ve attempted once let enough multiple times.
But fuck it man. I may or may not deserve all of this, but they sure as shit don’t deserve me doing that to them. Guess it’s up to the universe now.
I still think about it, it’s just no longer a viable option…