Feel like I missed the "how to be human" manual (21F). Good cognitively, but total "noob" at social cues and frozen by fear. Anyone else?
I’m trying to put a word to something I experience every single day, and I’m desperate to find resources, books, or just validation from anyone who relates to this.
Cognitively and academically, I’m fine. If I put my mind to learning a complex skill, a programming language, or an abstract concept, I can master it, like any other normal human being. But when it comes to basic human interaction, I feel like a complete noob who missed a critical childhood lesson that everyone else implicitly received.
To give some context on how I got here, from childhood I was entirely focused on scoring well in school and making my parents proud. While I am close to my mom, my dad was a scary figure due to his short temper. Because of that environment, I learned to severely limit myself in talking and showing excitement. I knew that no matter what I said or expressed, he would find something wrong with it. Gradually, I lost the interest to even put forward an idea. If someone instantly disapproves of what I say, I don't have any mental strength left in me to defend myself or say it genuinely is a good idea, because I never got the chance to learn how.
Now as an adult (21F), new experiences and challenges terrify me. My fear overshadows everything in my life so much that I have genuinely lost interest in the adventures of life. I do not even know what it feels like to want something with passion for myself; I never have. I always just did whatever I was told was "right," and because of that, I feel like I lost my personality or any sense of a "me" who wants something for herself. If I come up to you with an idea in general, and if you say it's not good, I will accept it without a second thought!
My everyday reality looks like this:
Whenever I'm talking to people, I catch myself constantly analyzing the interaction in real-time. I'm actively thinking: Is this the right thing to speak now? Am I doing good? Did I say something wrong? Is this how people normally talk? It feels like I’m an alien trying to guess how a "normal" person would act in that situation, and then trying to mimic it.
Because of my past, talking to strangers, seniors, bosses, or anyone I perceive as more powerful or authoritative triggers massive fear. I hate arguments because I suddenly have no idea what to say, or I sit there wondering if I even have the right to say it.
I can know a subject inside and out. But if you put me in a nervous setting and ask me to explain it to someone senior, my brain completely deletes the information. But mind you, it is not anxiety. I am not really 'anxious' in that sense, I can do things well if I have prepared enough, but its the situation, really. It's like my brain CPU is 100% occupied in processing my social behavior that there is no room left for me to be actually me! I really do not know what my true personality is, tbh.
What is this called? Is it severe social anxiety, a trauma response, or massive masking?
If anyone has experienced this exact disconnect, being sharp logically but feeling entirely illiterate socially and paralyzed by fear, how did you fix it? Are there frameworks, step-by-step guides, or books that treat social skills and rebuilding your sense of self like a logical system you can actually study and learn?
TL;DR: 21F with good academic/cognitive abilities, but I feel like I completely missed the "social manual" due to a people-pleasing childhood dominated by a short-tempered dad. I learned to suppress my voice, lost my sense of truly wanting something for self, and now constantly second-guess my words, mimic "normal" people, and completely freeze/shake around authority figures. Looking for advice, terminology, or resources to fix this.