questions now that i remember: The Meridell Institute and TTI
TW: >!Violence, Neglect, Psychological torture, child abuse!<
ADHD, PTSD, BPD. 38, MTF trans. In case any of that matters to someone.
I was in therapy this morning and had some intense feelings come up that led me to remembering events of my teen years that were painful to process. I remembered the name of one of the places (i had been institutionalized 5 times among 3 facilities in texas and louisiana as a kid) The Meridell Institute is the one that was worst, and i was there 3 months. Probably why i remember the name.
I felt the need to share my experiences because it did not ever occur to me that there were other people who might have gone through similar things and a community around it.
When i googled the name i instantly understood there were others. I would also want you to know that i cannot remember most of anything before I was 18. That i think is a combination of dissociation and trauma and the overwhelming doses of medication they had me on. Its criminal. 800mg Remeron, 600mg wellbutrin, 100mg geodon (They put this in the injections they use to knock you out. My ability to sleep is damaged permananently because of this), Some thousand trileptal and another one I can't remember. 5 drugs in doses that would be high for an adult. I take meds now too (i didn't for a long time b/c of trust issues with doctors. Wonder why) But in the lowest doses that work...
These places, they put me on over 30 different psychiatric drugs. 23 of which i had allergic reactions to. I've experienced symptoms from terrible migraines (lithium) to shidding and puking at the same time (strattera) and yeah. Hallucinations, pick a side effect. I've probably had it. They sort of zombified me from 12-18. I never developed a full sense of self. The geodon i would take at night my mom would make me at 8pm. By 9, you are knocked out no matter how strong willed you are. My friends used to slap me and make me chug coke and stuff so i could stay up and game. I got good at resisting sleep. TOO good in a bad way. I hated sleeping.
I would wake up in the morning and barely get up, brush my teeth, and be dressed and riding to school. Then wake up again and realize it was a dream and i actually have to force myself up while it feels like an invisible force is dragging your brain and body down. They wouldn't lower the dose. My doctors resisted me until i was 18 and told them all to get bent. Cold turkey. Worst 3 months of my life, can't remember any of it. I'm sure the memories of withdrawls are there but suppressed. Things were unstable for a long time but at least i was able to start trying to get to know myself, right?
Like. I realize now that i'm writing this that i could not fit this into one reddit post not even close. How is it that i could never have considered even one time going to look for other people who have been through this and now that i know... i don't know what to do. I wanna tell my story somewhere to someone who cares. I'd like to hear other people's stories too.. maybe? Felt oddly good in a wierd way to let go of some of this. Thanks.