writing down my mental spiral
this is going to be long so i apologize in advance for anyone reading.
i am tired. there are so many thoughts swirling in my mind regarding my relationship. i'm just spit balling here. however, if anyone has advice or a pathway forward, please don't hesitate to comment.
i've been dating my partner, Noodle, for about a year and a half and these thoughts have either been in play but i haven't sat with them or they have come up from recent situations. i'll be sharing this post with Noodle later as well, but i guess i want to sort myself out first before bombarding him with nonsensical word vomit.
1. my partner wants all his partners (me and my metas) to be KTP when we're GPP, and i think i'm okay with how close i am to them currently.
Noodle has said he's communicated to me and my metas that he wants all of us to practice kitchen table poly. the issue with this is that we all have traumas and hangups that make it hard for us to be more than garden party. i don't have a problem with the group dynamic being garden table, but i've always wanted kitchen table. however, the lack of communication between me and my metas is the issue. Noodle says that everyone's styles of communication somewhat clash and he feels he needs to help facilitate the transition to KTP (which i feel like he shouldn't be obligated to since we're all adults), but i guess doing so makes the most sense to him.
outside of talking about Noodle, there is a significant lack of communication between me and my metas. i have reached out to my metas on multiple occasions to have conversation or plan hangouts that aren't centered around him to be met with silence or late responses. i already have a difficult time reaching out to people because i have RSD and their lack of response is discouraging. for the first meta, Lily, i have sent memes, messages, and have even gone as far as just saying that i hope they have a nice day. for the second meta, Zam, i have reached out multiple times as well to plan a hangout so we can get to know each other more or to even open up about why i struggle to interact with them at bigger events (overstimulation, which is why i want to plan one-on-one hangouts).
Noodle assures me that they don't hate me but they suck at texting back. Lily has even said as much, but it's incredibly discouraging. during the duration of my relationship with Noodle, i have ended two friendships over this same reason of a lack of response or the fact of me constantly reaching out to keep interaction going. Noodle knows about both of these circumstances, and yet he's still pushing for KTP at this point. it's really distressing, like if i don't fall in line i'll be abandoned.
2. i feel like i have to constantly judge myself and the progression of my relationship with partner based on my meta.
Zam and i have similar names, so much that i sometimes accidentally call her by my name. she and Noodle have been dating for a shorter amount of time than i've been dating Noodle, but i feel like i have to constantly compare my relationship progression to her relationship progression. Noodle met Zam's parents before he met my mother and it made him feel like our relationship wasn't that serious to me despite the fact that i don't hold the opinions of blood family that highly, especially when it comes to me being poly. i introduced him to my mother and i guess that was enough in the moment, but i keep thinking that i'm losing to them?
it also doesn't help that Zam is more extroverted than i am and connects with his friend group better than i do. i even feel like Zam and Lily connect better with each other than either of them do with me. Noodle says Zam just started getting used to interacting with Lily, but i don't have friendship with either of them.
3. i fear i'm going to lose my partner because i'm not healed enough.
i've dealt with childhood trauma, relationship trauma, and sexual trauma all while navigating ADHD. for over 20 years, i used to just let others decide what i wanted for me. i'm currently in recovering people pleaser mode. i sometimes go back into people pleaser mode, which sometimes looks like me observing social situations and interactions in spaces with over 15 people as a bystander while internally yelling at myself to interact with others. Noodle has relationship trauma from a 1.5 decade long relationship with Krazy he just recently left.
months before we started our relationship, i had just gotten out of a situationship that scarred me into taking birth control as a defense mechanism and a sense of bodily autonomy. we are both open enough to talk about the different things we've encountered in our past, but the issue within me usually arises when i say i'm trying to improve and he mentions Krazy and how he has seen similar signs either within me or similar to where it reminds him of Krazy.
when Noodle began pursuing me, i was hesitant to follow through because i could tell he had less trauma than i did. i was scared of traumatizing him as well and felt like he would one day realize that i didn't measure up to what he was expecting me to be. the situationship told me that he would prioritize others before me and the partner before him constantly prioritized his other partner over me, so getting into a relationship with Noodle who already had 3+ partners felt like a huge leap of faith when i already had trust issues. there have been many moments where our incompatibilities have been a sense of tension between us, usually being him trying to move faster than my comfort (an almost impromptu meeting of his mom) or me backpedaling after we came to an agreement (me returning his belongings after i said i was okay with him leaving them at my place).
he was and still is very reassuring that he will stick it out as long as i'm willing to try, but i'm afraid that the pace of healing that he expects is not something i can keep up with. it's even gotten to the point where i cried at my therapy session about it. there were many times where i felt like running away because of the incompatibilities being pointed out, but i'm also scared that i'll stay and he'll realize how much of a fuck-up i am and leave anyway.
the second half of the previous sentence still rings true, as i'm blubbering into pillows that he left in my bed as i type. i feel like with all of these things keep playing a role and i'm not sure how to proceed without burdening him.