talking about potential SA in therapy?
hi everyone i have been ruminating over a past experience for many years now and still can’t fully accept the fact that i was potentially SA’d. i’ve brought it up in therapy and have had lasting effects (unable to date, afraid of intimacy) since.
i was 18-ish in college and went with some senior guy to a fifth and cuff (we had to be handcuffed together until we finished a fifth of liquor). i had already pregamed with a couple drinks, and then we drank even more once we finished the fifth.
i don’t remember a ton after. he took me to his apartment and i remember my clothes coming off but i don’t know if i wanted that to happen or not. i did throw up a lot before we got back to his apartment, so i know i was decently drunk. i do remember he didn’t take all of his clothes off like i did. and i remember him pushing my hand down the front of his pants, even though i didn’t want to.
also i’m not certain that i said no? i think maybe i did. (for context, i was a virgin and very inexperienced sexually, so i know that if i had been sober, i would not have done the things i did).
so i guess my question is, am i right to blame him for assaulting me since i was extremely drunk? or were we both just drunk (im truly unsure if he was or not) and i am able to put the blame on him instead of dealing with the fact that i violated my own personal boundaries regarding sex? is this a valid thing to call “trauma” and how can i reconcile talking about this in therapy when all i do is blame myself?