I don't know why I have been so chill about my own life
I recently kept thinking about what would my life feel like if I took my college stuff serious and strove for master's degree and more than that (master's degree requires getting as much high grades as possible and i must land on 10 top positions in master's application after getting my bachelor's) , I constantly get bad grades from final exams (i didn't study, mainly cuz i was chill i wouldn't pay tuition fees at all no matter what grade i got for personal reasons, so i actually deserve the grades), my grandpa wants me to apply for master's and am afraid I would shatter his expectations, idk i feel like i fucked everything up and there's no saving it, i hate myself
Depression and existential shit ruined my life.