Would I Be the Asshole IF I Tell My Boyfriend's Baby Mama That We're Together?
Buckle up guys cuz boy am I in a pickle. I f(33) have been dating my boyfriend m(39) for a year now. We'll call him J. He has a 9 year old with his ex, L f(39) and they all live together a few miles away from me. L knows of me but, I think, only to an extent. The reason I've even allowed it to get this far the way it is is because J is adamant that he does not want to cause harm to anyone in his family. For some back story, when we first started seeing each other, I had a whole ass other boyfriend and J and L were still technically together. They had been together for about 14 years but he would talk to me about how she doesn't "see" him and they haven't had a sex life in 2 years and has been sleeping on the couch forever. My situation, of only 7 months or so (not living together), was actually similar in terms of feeling seen so we related in that way. We also have many years of sobriety from opiates. I had had a crush on him for years and was really excited when he came onto me so I shut my whole other situation down right away and within maybe two weeks he had told L he didn't want to be with her in that way anymore but wasn't going to kick her out. (Her family lives in Delaware, we're in CT and he fears she'd take their son all the way out there if he blew the whole thing up). J ended up hiring me to work with him temporarily since my full time job is during the summertime only. We had an awesome Winter, got to see each other all day every day and he would stay with me late into the evenings. The job was selling liquor & wine to both package stores and restaurants so we were heavily drinking over most of this time and just having a blast. Things are a little different now, I still see him every day after work but he goes home earlier to be more present for his son, which is great and I know has been really good for the boy. From the first day we hooked up I didn't expect him to be affectionate in public but he picked me up the very next day and we were just full on together holding hands, kissing, right out in the open. She doesn't really have any friends out here (we're all initially from different counties) so the amount of people who see us every day, nothing gets back to her. Which, I've been kind of wishing wasn't the case. She had known of me before we were together because we were friends and he would talk about me from time to time. She went through his phone one day and found a text from a different girl who had seen us out together and asked him "is that wifey? she is beautiful" and he replied with "that isn't my son's mother but yes and isn't she?!" He always introduces me as his girlfriend now, he didn't use to.
Side note just so you have all of the information: for the first four or five months he always said he didn't want his situation to "hold me hostage" and that if I wanted to go home with someone else when he's not around, feel free to. I was, and still am, all in on him so I wasn't tempted to at first. By this point I'm saying I love you to him and told him not to feel pressured to say it back but that's how I felt so I'm comfortable saying it. SO, out of general annoyance at this encouraged act, an opportunity arose and I end up taking him up on his offer and did go home with someone else and he found out very shortly after (not that I was hiding it, he never asked) and he absolutely lost it. He proceeds to profess his love for me and that he should have been telling me how much he loves me all along so we decide to stay together exclusively and make it work, which is when he started openly introducing me as his girlfriend to everyone (except our colleagues, who do suspect that we are, but I'm back at my real job now so who cares.) He now makes it a point to tell me how much he loves me every day. I fully regret having the hookup but he should not have encouraged me so much and for so long to do it in the first place so I try not to be too hard on myself about it but damn, seeing him so hurt crushed my soul. That was about 8 months ago but I know it still bothers him to think about. I truly don't want any one else and can totally see myself with J forever. We are able to talk just about anything out and that is a rare key that most relationships lack.
Anyway, I know there was a conversation where L said to J "so you've just been sleeping with her the whole time?" and instead of using that opportunity to be honest HE FUCKING LIES and says "no, we slept together once in June and have been best friends ever since." and basically tells her we got close because of working together when we were already VERY MUCH TOGETHER when he hired me! We literally talk about getting married, living together and having babies every day and this girl is probably just bopping around their house thinking they'll be back together because they get along and co-parent so well.
Moving in together is financially not possible for us right now and he got a dui back in January adding about $8,000 in fees to his situation and I just don't make the best money where I work and plan to find something new and permanent after this season. After the dui his drinking got really bad, he was just devastated. He ended up detoxing and going back to therapy and is now doing so much better. He hasn't drank in almost 16 weeks and therefore makes much better choices, goes home a lot earlier, which sucks for me, but I'm happy he's healthy and being the father he didn't have.
He told me from the beginning that he expected it would take 2 years to get out of his situation and I reflect on that often and think, phew, half way there right...? But sometimes I think of how much work it will be for him to make the change and I just don't know that he'll actually do it. He tells me he's not comfortable when he's home and thinks of me the whole time and I think that was true at one point but I feel like things are a little different now. Ever since he broke up with L she has really worked on herself. She got off suboxone and is now actually present and is a great mom. She's getting work done on her teeth, lost a ton of weight and took up kickboxing. I'm all for her growing, you go girl. I just feel like hiding me from her is not right to either one of us. I know this really seems like a "have your cake and eat it too" kind of thing but I genuinely trust him. He's been honest with me on what he does share with her about us and I think that says a lot about his character. I can also appreciate that he doesn't want to cause harm but I've finally said to him that I think he's protecting the wrong woman's feelings by this point. How do you think you're preventing harm by hiding a whole girlfriend for a year and counting? Don't you think it will be so much worse when she does find out? She could have been a year into getting over it by now!
I think it's important to mention how much this man has changed my life. Overall he's been an extremely positive influence. He truly inspires me to invest in myself. I've cut ties with people who brought me nothing but negativity. I wake up early and am super productive where I used to kind of allow depression to take over. I can at least say that if this doesn't work out the way I want it to, I've certainly learned a lot about myself. A younger version of me wouldn't have thought twice about telling this girl everything. I don't want to have to give him an ultimatum but he's put me in such a fucked up position here. I'm sure she would much rather hear it from him than from me, we've never even met. I would just feel better if she knew. She's never had to take care of herself, he's paid for everything their whole life together. All I know is, if my ex was living with me and seeing someone else, I would be working towards moving out... but if she doesn't know how serious we are why would she change anything. Our friends tell me they think she knows and is just in denial and doesn't want to uproot their lives. I just don't see how this is protecting the child either. Things like this always inevitably come out.
If you're still with me I appreciate you taking the time, I know this is a lot! It's tough to keep a year's worth of shit brief. What the hell do I do here to not be the asshole?