I (21f) still love my ex (21M) but don't want to get back together
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We dated for 6 months and so many things happened which made me understand that we are not right for each other. So I broke up with him. He talked so bad with me after the break-up , cursed me saying may your next relationship teach you a lesson, called me selfish, said that I abandoned him, said I never loved him. He also told some lies beforehand and in his defence he did it so that I don't leave him. It does sound bad right? But it was my first ever relationship. Everything was first. Me loving someone, caring for someone this much and all those things. I would never deny that he didn't care for me at all. So many hard times were there when he was the one on whom I relied the most and he embraced me with warmth.
So after the breakup I got devastated. Maintained 2weeks of no contact. I started to get anxiety from June/ July itself. But after the breakup it got worse. Very worse. At a point, I couldn't control myself anymore. I called him after 2 weeks and broke down in front of him. I was seeing nightmares and my health was in such a bad condition that I thought maybe if I talk with him, maybe if I say to him what was wrong and all that it'd be okay. On call, he was chill. When I cried he calmed me down in the same way he used to. We started talking again. It's been 5 days. We are talking and calling once at night. Yes I have even told him I still love him and I miss him. While crying. But I don't want to go back although I want to. Because I know if I go back everything will be repeated.
Well he said he isn't thinking much anymore. But his actions do tell me he still loves me a lot just like I do.
My heart breaks everyday. I can't even sleep properly. My chest feels tight all the time. I wake up with anxiety.
I don't think what we are doing is right. People will advise to keep distance only because this will create more emotional attachment but idk why it is so hard. Everyday I feel like crying. Sometimes I even thought of forgetting everything about the past but I can't do that either because it was too cruel for me.
It's so ironic that I'm really sick rn and he caught a cold too and we are both caring for each other so much that it would seem like two people are still in that relationship. People say he didn't really love you. Idk. But my foolish heart says he does love me. I love him too. But it's just we aren't right for each other.