u/Connect_Hedgehog_214

I find myself finally opening up to wearing sunglasses and headphones more but thats about it. Nothing makes me more happy than coming home and being by myself, today I cried out of happiness when no one was at my house. I dread having to interact with anyone and appearing normal, i feel like im too conventional looking to be myself. Like I wish sometimes I was noticeably autistic so others get the idea. Im often treated like a child and im worried the older I get the worse that will be, im worried that being myself will lose friendships when they actually know how I feel, I've never maintained a friendship anyways. I think my life is heading in the wrong direction, like the more I optimize it the more it limits me. I'm really only comfortable with some of my family members and everyone else triggers me to act differently. But some people have only seen the different me which makes it more visibly strange when I act like myself. I feel like they think I'm just being quirky, it has me thinking like maybe I can act normal my whole life. The things I say I am consciously aware they don't come off normally but to not say them would be to not be myself. I just need more time to think of a more normal answer, I'm capable which comes at the cost of not being who I am. Almost every single day I worry about how I come across in a social interaction, I'm happiest in my little routine with my family and I can be myself; ideally with someone I can share my interests with, after learning about something for hours and hours. These autistic traits are my entire life but I currently have no conclusive evidence to clearly define who I am. This has me feeling so lost within myself, finding people like me. The only times in my life where I was truly myself was with other autistic people. It's like there's a dim light inside of me that so rarely sparks. The spark is so bright but so lost inside of me now. I hate sounding corny. I'm a very emotional person, I love art, I love talking about whatever niche interest I'm honing in on. These things that are so apart of me have been consistently shut down my entire life and have now devolved into a constant anxiety and repression; how much of myself should this person see? The older I get the more it weighs on me, I'm just so self-aware now. And my struggles have no outlet because I don't even know what help I need. Perhaps I am not autistic and it is a different issue, but right now it feels like there's a door that really wants to open but can't until I know for sure. I just want to be myself, I'm so drained all the time. The more I let go, the more friends I lose. I finally expressed myself and immediately lost them. I've described wearing a mask to my dad almost 10 years ago, like there's two versions of myself. I've studied videos on how to talk to people, I've made videos of myself role-playing talking to someone to make sure I look normal. I have to manually control my facial expressions, what my eyes do. I time how long I should hold eye contact and look away for a certain amount of time. It's truly an art on how to appear normal. It's so much easier to remain silent than to have a conservation as to avoid making a mistake, a misread in social cues, an error in the way I say something. Saying "good for you" genuinely can also sound sarcastic and you'll end up being laughed at. I'm always being laughed at, something I said was apparently "funny"? Well, I guess I'll go with it because it's better to pretend I was joking intentionally than the alternative. Why was clarifying a question so funny? It's like I understand why someone could find it funny, but it's my genuine question. I usually just stay quiet and suffer the consequences. I can't communicate things very well, my head has a clear idea that I just can express verbally. I think it's better off I write things down. No I didn't just shutdown or meltdown from a small things. It's always a build up, why don't people understand that. And when I'm shutting down how am I able to express, it was too bright, too loud, too many people, my shirt is uncomfortable, the food has a weird texture, people keep trying to talk to me, all these things add up; how is a child supposed to express that? I would end up just walking or running away from everyone and people had to search for me. Not having help, or solutions, or understanding had me forced to conceal everything more and more. I just got so depressed, more hidden, more time to conceal myself. My family just didn't see it, it took days and days of research to pinpoint why I was feeling so different. No one would have any idea I've never had a girlfriend, a close friend, social media, a friend's phone number, I just don't present like that. I almost wish I did just so people can know that. Anytime I moved my body, twitched my hands, fidgeted, it's met with disproval. Always told to stop and act better. My anxiety was so bad I couldn't order from a restaurant without having a meltdown, again and again, these challenges I faced were just with being alone more. At least when I'm alone I can feel like myself. I often talk my thoughts out loud, i forget how strange that can look. I can hide my eyes by wearing heavy sunglasses which helps my eye contact, I've been wearing noise canceling ear buds every day while listening to the same song almost the entire day for years. Everytime I walked home from school I would watch the same dhmis videos on repeat, there's things that just stratch my brain so well. As a kid I loved the Lorax and the music so much, one time I watched it 10 times in a row. Repetition is incredibly soothing, it helps me take a break from everything and feel normal again. I look forward to certain things at the end of my day, it helps me not be depressed. I used to struggle a lot with ocd, i would check that every door is locked over and over again, wash my hands until they bled, touch things repetitively in certain positions, it got so bad, i was so miserable. I don't understand why i never got help. I used to be laughably clumsy and disoriented. Why was it so humorous to watch me try to do anything athletically? I am still terrible at hikes, how do people get down so easily? Stop going so fast. I keep putting these puzzle pieces together. What could being diagnosed help me with now? What could it have helped me with before? My parents never had a good idea of autism, anytime people would ask about me it would be met with incredulity, I think their idea is very low functioning. I'm intelligent enough to understand how to appear normal. My intelligence is something I've been really trying to understand recently. I would constantly get laughed at for my questions, things I don't understand are very easy for others. But I can succeed incredibly well in certain scenarios. I need a guideline and structure and time to focus. My special ability is focusing so deeply on one thing. My social battery can need weeks to recharge. I'm terrified when i have to interact with anyone now. I guess the years of anxiety added up. I made friends with some people in my class, eventually I just stopped going to avoid the small talk. Next time I just won't make friends I guess. I've always considered myself asexual, I've never handled physical touch well. I think I can handle a relationship, but I'm worried these issues will come up. I think I might just have to date an autistic person. People just keep asking why I say the things I say, or don't understand certain things. What am I supposed to say? I might be autistic? I don't know how else to explain, my girlfriend would have to know who I am. If I wasn't myself with them I would lose my mind. If there's any advantage of the autism I may or may not have while dating it's definitely the uniqueness I have. My morals and extremely set, I'm extremely honest, I'm very open. It's just very interesting how things that were previously "just how i am" have a pattern. Perhaps I will be perpetually confused, or maybe there's an answer. I'm old enough to start preparing to live my best life and I couldn't imagine it without obsessing over my collectibles and whatever other interest I want to research for hours every single day. My roommate has people over, I need to use the bathroom but I'm too scared to leave as that would mean talking to them; I'm way too exhausted to do that right now, I will wait until tomorrow.

I really like the thing I'm on right now and I want to retain the knowledge about it. I'm trying to take it slow and not dive too deep immediately and see if that works. Let me know of any strategies thankyou.

I got many floaters in a short time span a few years ago and wanted to say that it will get much much better. Once your brain filters them out you can start to enjoy looking around more like normal again.