u/Conscious-Avocado373

So this is not to shame anyone. Far from it. But was anyone in a relationship with someone with an avoidant attachment style who was so desperate to participate in the Baggage Olympics with you? Not just "please understand X, Y, Z". That's totally understandable. I'm talking more about a sort of "my baggage is worse than yours" mentality, that they have a "right" to do X, Y, Z because of what they've gone through, a general sense of like... competing for gold in that department? I always disliked that in others, and when it was up close and personal, I was just so confused. Like, I do get it. You behave the way you behave in X circumstance because you were told to suck it up and were punished for having emotions, sometimes (depending on the person) in a very extreme way. I absolutely feel for that. I have a lot of empathy there. And at the same time, trying to turn it into a "Who Suffered More" game, I promise I've gone through a hell of a lot myself, like my childhood life story probably belongs on Oprah, so I never liked that game. It's not a competition for who had it worse. I mean, I have a FA attachment style myself, just more anxious leaning. No attachment style has a monopoly on "bad childhood", different styles just have wounds expressed in different ways based on different input. I probably sound nuts typing this all out, and I probably accidentally worded this in a very mean way (I'm so sorry!), but did anyone else go through this? I'd love to hear from you.

So little disclaimer before anything, I have other friends and I'm in therapy. I talk about this with my therapist. My support system outside of therapy isn't quite what I'd like it to be, but I do have a support system, so that's definitely something.

It's just so sad. I'm almost five months out (got blindsided right after the New Year and was told they'd been thinking about it since Thanksgiving. Real class act, right?) and I thought that I'd feel better by now. I still have seasons where I cry every day for multiple times a day. We had a close relationship for four years. We were both in therapy. If anything, this person was further along than I was at the time. I was even taught about attachment theory through this person. Found out I'm a FA who leans AP and they're a FA who strongly leans DA, but we were both working on security. I was young as hell (I was 23), but we had so much in common and we expressed our love so similarly. I had only ever really felt connected to one other person in my life, my first relationship. For the most part, because my interests and beliefs are so... I don't want to say rare. Niche? Because they're so niche, I spent my life feeling like a weird space alien who can't hang. Meanwhile, I could talk to this person about anything under the sun. I've never had that before. So with all of that, I thought "okay, this is it." Until two years in when they went to grad school and met a new specialist who enabled the kind of actions I hadn't seen before in them! And then it all went to Hell. <3

Two years later, forever ends, and I'm left picking up the rubble. Even though I've only rarely felt connected to anyone, I always prized myself on being a pretty jovial person. I would have people tell me, "you know, you're too trusting. I'm scared you're gonna get hurt." And looking back, that was absolutely true, but I took it as a badge of honor. Like, "oh, wow! I open my heart!" Now, I'm bitter, jaded, I'm like that old guy in the bar who gives really bad advice and needs to go talk to someone about why he does this every day. I don't know if I'll ever find what I found again, and even if I do, I don't know if relationships are even worth it anymore if they can end the way this did. This person still hasn't reached out, of course. And even if this person did, I'm not sure if I'd scream, cry, or go in blindly again. I'd like to think I'd hold my ground, but I don't know.

People keep quoting that one Ethan Hawke quote at me about "you loved, you won." But I don't feel like a winner. Maybe that's what life is all about, but if that's its purpose, life kind of sucks. I know this is about childhood trauma for them, but at the same time, I've lived through enough horrific childhood trauma to last a lifetime. The only thing that gives me solace is this idea that we all reap what we sow in life. I don't believe in Karma, but at the end of the day, we all get the life we signed up for. If you sign up for riches over close family, you get riches and you don't get close family. If you sign up for distractions over connection, you get distractions and you don't get connection. Past a certain point in life, towards the end, you can't really re-decide. That makes me happy. But thinking that makes me feel like a sadist. I've never felt like a sadist before. I feel like a stranger in my own fucking body.

Anyone in this boat? I feel like a completely different person, and not necessarily for the better. Feel free to share your stories below. I like reading those. Also, if I'm being stupid and young, feel free to tell me I'm being stupid and young. Being snapped out of it helps and I won't be offended at all.