u/Conscious-Piccolo568

mean, ending the friendship was a long time coming. we stopped sharing interests, talking felt awkward, we weren't on the same page most of the time. eventually we just stopped talking... just that, today, he made it official with a message. its my fault. im too ill and being friends with a depressed person is fucking draining i know that. his father and mine are good friends. we used to do everything together. the guy was practically my brother, know? pretty sure he was crushing on me at one point, hes obvious, it never blossomed into anything though im a coward forever

i know i know, this happens, this is just what happens in life , people come and go, but man is it not painful. we used to know everything about eachother, we used to talk all the time. we were totally inseparable, me and him. now we're effectively strangers, i barely know him, it hurts my heart. i loved him a lot, as a friend, a brother. im sure he did me

when i first met him, he used to be really shy and introverted. had a hard time talking so i would end up speaking for him. i was shy too but i wanted to help him out . now hes got so many friends he doesnt need me to help him speak im happy for him im proud he doesnt need me now

i miss him but hes so much better off without me and i him

when i tell people about it, i say i dont care. that i knew itd happen, that its sad, but i dont feel anything... but im a big fucking liar. i do care. i care so much its killing me. we never got to finish the stories we wrote. we never got to do all those things we had planned. we had so much we wanted to do together, now what? its gone. he's gone. i cant even touch the stories without feeling so so guilty its not the same working on them without him

i left my sunglasses at his house

im really sad my heart feels heavy i just want to bawl my eyes out and cry, but i cant

whatever. nothing i can do now it is what it is

one of my earliest memories from my childhood is me sitting on the floor, staring at the wall, wondering what life was like for someone who wasn't constantly wishing they were dead. i would fantasise about dying from suicide or some horrible, tragic accident... id think about how people would mourn me, how i would be remembered. a tragic soul, forever young, all that. i never planned for the future, i didn'tcare for it..... i figured id have killed myself at 18 anyway, so whats the point?

im turning 19 in july, hahaha

the feeling hasnt left, nothings changed other than how i have so much to live for now. whats left of my friends (since all the others left because they couldn't handle me at my worst), family, so much people..... which just makes it worse

i always say "fuck, im done, im done, this time ill do it, ill really fucking do it, ill hang myself, ill jump off a cliff, blow my brains out with a gun" and whatever but im too much of a coward to actually do it. now im useless. i dont know what to do with myself. i spend my days rotting, sleeping, doing nothing. what a sad pathetic life. should've ended it when i had the chance