u/Conscious_Chef_5229

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So as the title states... how do I know if I'm over my LO? Or if maybe I'm just missing them at this point?

We had really good times together, and I find myself ruminating on those memories a lot lately. I miss that. I miss the comfort, the connection, the moments that felt genuine and safe to me.

I know at one point I was absolutely obsessed with him. My previous posts definitely show that. But after reading more about limerence, and reading through a lot of posts/comments here from other people sharing their experiences, I feel like I’ve had this weird moment of clarity lately where something finally clicked in my brain.

Now I’m conflicted with my thoughts.

It doesn’t feel as frantic or consuming as it used to. I’m not constantly spiraling the same way. But I still think about him often, and I can’t tell if what’s left is limerence... or if I genuinely just miss someone I cared deeply about and had meaningful moments with.

Can limerence fade while the grief/missing them stays behind?

Did anyone else have a point where the obsession started separating itself from the actual person, and you suddenly realized those were two different feelings?

I just realized when I laid my head down to go to sleep, I didn't jump into fantasy mode...

I felt sad today, but I was reminiscing mostly.

I was still productive.

I was reliving real events and things that happened.. missing my routine I had with them.

Real things.

I'm having a really bad day.

I want to beg and plead again.

I want the version of us before things got complicated.

I want the friendship we had where we better ourselves and could brag on each other.

The motivation I had to show you things.

The little acknowledgement was enough to drive me through this executive decision-making exhaustion.

I want to fold my laundry, organize my art supplies, finish building my gaming closet, finish that comic book I was making, finish covering my walls in hand made crafts... work on my fantasy portraits, show you my progress on my physical appearance and show off a bit...

I want to show you I'm capable of making the my fantasies into a reality.

Not the version of us being together, you being mine and me being yours...

But all the wild things I said I would do.

I want to hear about your day.

I want to say the funny things that made you laugh. That laugh.. it was everything to me.

I want you to tell me I'm an idiot, but it's not my fault, its my stupidity.

I want to ask you questions that I don't think anyone realistically wants to hear the answers too. I want to you to accept the challenge and win by answering them in vivid detail and gross me out.

I want to see your face change from utter shock and disgust to the shit eating grin of challenge accepted.

I absolutely loved when you messed with me cause you knew I would over analyze everything, then slip in something subtle to see if I caught it to make me say, oh you f%*k@r... and we both laughed.

I loved that you were so polite about telling me to shut up cause I would get caught up with saying the same thing over and over and over.

Just a subtle... "Shhhhh... your doing that thing again. Let's do a puzzle instead."

I liked how I only had to tell you something once and you kept it with you. The best you could.

I liked how you told me what you wanted.

I loved how easy it was.

I love when things got tense, you would make a snarky remark... and then immediately end it with a comment about not wanting to get me riled up and start something you knew I wouldn't be able to stop. The subtle way you would ignore shit I said and act like you didn't hear it and change the subject and I would call you out on it and you leaned back in your chair and just smile at me.

I miss our humor.

I miss saying dumb things.

Like saying, See, I can do as I'm told and obey, I'm very obedient, you just have to listen to me.

And you give me that raised eyebrow, that what the f&@k look..

I liked that if you did hurt me, and we felt the low moments.. I could sit in it.. I could make it easier by joking about it. Then we could pull out of it... the way we worked through so much. You would acknowledge that coping mechanism... you had such a stoic appearance but I could see the subtle ways it changed, in your tone, the way you texted.. your eyes.. that something wasn't quite right.

I loved how you taught me things.

I never had someone make me questions things with such gentle words...

If you were anyone else, I would of done the same thing as I always did when things got hard.

I would of left. Never thought about it again. Been turn to stone and went cold. And to be honest with myself, I tried.. but I couldn't commit.

But I burnt it down to the ground with my insecurities.

Even when I did... you still showed me grace.

I may be obsessed...

But there is love there.

Cause I know I hurt you.

That's a terrible thing to do to someone you love.

I was selfish.

I learned I'm not different then anyone else. I'm just as capable of doing anything to anyone as anyone else would.

Our relationship ended.

We both met each other at a point of low, a level we both matched on. The relationship ended because I couldn't grow as fast as you could.

Your a beautiful soul. Your mistakes don't define you as a person. You made progress and did the difficult thing to better yourself... and you did it with consideration of me as well.

I wish I could of had this mindset when I had all of you.

But I know I would of never had this growth with out it happening the way it did...

It's the biggest regret of my life, and I never want to repeat this again.

Because of that, I'm working on myself.

The respect I have for you and the way you handled it... with such compassion...

I truly believe you were my guardian angel..

I was lost, sunken to the darkest parts of my soul, with no light out.

You dived in.

You went through it all.. still keeping that light of yours to guide us back to the surface again... you taught me how to stay afloat...

I want to just drown in it again, but I can't let that be the ending. Not after everything you have done for me.

I hope you got to the shore, and your standing on your two feet.

I'm trying to get there to.. Likely to not end up where your at, but its something that keeps me swimming in all of this...

I hope you found someone on your level, that could elevate you as much as you did for me.

I wish I could be that person for you.

I accept that I'm not.

I can hope that one day I will be.

I expect that by then, when that day comes... you won't be there.

But if you ever were... I'll be ready this time.

I'll be there to support you... I still have that light you gave me...

I won't lose sight of what you gave me.

I won't forget you. I'll take your shrine down eventually.. and remove all your dirty socks that are nailed to my wall.

I'll figure it out, how to move on in a healthy way.

I just wish I knew you were okay... I hope your doing well. I miss you dearly.

I’ve become painfully aware that I seem to get attached to the idea of someone choosing me.

I’ve only experienced this deeply maybe 2-3 times in my life, but I realized something recently: I’ve never had someone leave me before I was emotionally “done.” My two major relationships both lasted around 10 years, and neither was healthy. But I stayed because I held onto the version of them they said they wanted to become.

There were always little glimpses of that person, just enough hope to keep me invested. I loved people the way I wanted to be loved. I gave grace, forgave mistakes, tried to understand perspectives instead of judging them. I genuinely believed that was what “doing the right thing” looked like.

In my last relationship, things became extremely toxic and abusive. I tried to leave many times, but every time I did, he would suddenly become the person I needed. He’d say all the right things, promise growth, promise change, and I’d fall back into the cycle of hope.

I became obsessed with being part of the solution. Even when problems weren’t my fault, I’d ask myself what I could change to make things easier, calmer, more lovable. I always considered his feelings, even when mine were ignored unless it was convenient for him.

Eventually, after over 10 years, logic finally kicked in. I realized I was loyal to potential, not reality. I ended the relationship.

At the time, I didn’t see any of this as limerence or unhealthy attachment. I thought I was just compassionate and committed.

But the aftermath of that relationship changed me more than I realized.

My nervous system felt destroyed. I became hypervigilant, insecure, obsessive. I overanalyzed everything, every interaction, every perspective, every possible solution. I couldn’t sit alone with my thoughts anymore. I drank a lot to numb the constant mental replaying.

Then I fell heavily into gaming, and that’s where I met my limerence object.

At first, it felt magical. We connected deeply online and spent time together almost every morning for over a year. We worked out together, read together, watched shows, talked constantly. He lived across the world, but somehow I felt more emotionally seen by him than I had in years.

For the first time in a long time, I felt motivated again. I stopped drinking. I started reconnecting with hobbies and parts of myself I had lost.

We met in person eventually, and it honestly felt incredible. But we also both understood reality: different countries, families, responsibilities, lives that couldn’t realistically merge long term. We acknowledged that, but still allowed ourselves to live in the fantasy anyway.

Over time, things changed.

After our trip, he started working on his depression and began medication. As he focused more on his real life, being his kids, family, responsibilities, his own healing.. with all of that, our connection slowly faded. What used to be 5 days a week became once a week.

That’s when I started spiraling.

I became desperate for reassurance. I’d send long emotional messages trying to reconnect us to what we used to have. Sometimes he’d respond warmly and thoughtfully, which gave me hope. Other times he felt distant or vague, which triggered panic. The inconsistency completely dysregulated me.

Eventually, he told me something I know was true, basically this.

“This isn’t healthy for either of us. I care about you deeply, but this has to end.”

And logically, I understood that.

But emotionally? I completely fell apart.

I started bargaining mentally. I thought if I just explained myself better, changed harder, proved I could handle less attention, maybe he would choose me again. I begged. I pleaded. I made new accounts after being unfriended just to try to reconnect **behavior I have NEVER done before in my life.**

That scared me.

I couldn’t understand why I was acting like this until I discovered limerence. Reading about it honestly felt like getting hit by a truck. Suddenly everything made sense... the obsessive thinking, fantasy building, emotional dependency, the withdrawal symptoms, the way my entire sense of hope attached itself to one person.

I started having moments of complete emotional collapse. Hyperventilating, panicking, feeling like I was dying.

At first, my brain convinced me he was my oxygen. The reason I changed. The reason I became healthier, motivated, hopeful again.

But logically, I know now that it was me all along.

The problem is that years of emotional neglect and abuse suppressed me so deeply that I completely lost touch with who I was. I was starved emotionally for so long that when someone finally made me feel seen, understood, appreciated, and emotionally safe, my nervous system attached to him like my entire survival depended on it.

I attached my identity to him. My healing to him. My future to him.

Now that I understand that, I’ve been trying to consciously change my behaviors instead of feeding the cycle.

I journal constantly now.

I journal the fantasies. The grief. The moments of clarity. Sometimes I write as if I’m talking to him, just to get the thoughts out of my head instead of acting on them.

I deleted apps so I can’t reread old messages. Deleted photos and videos. I haven’t even touched my gaming room because everything there reminds me of him.

I asked him to block me because there are moments where I genuinely cannot control the hope that maybe I can still fix this somehow.

I’ve started taking cold showers when panic hits because it forces my nervous system to reset a little. I’m exercising more, trying to take my health seriously again. Looking into new hobbies and experiences that belong to me instead of to the version of me attached to him. Things like fantasy balls, conventions, events. Anything that reconnects me to life outside of this obsession.

But even with all of that… I still think about him constantly.

I still create vivid reunion fantasies in my head. Entire conversations. Scenarios where enough time has passed, we’ve both healed, he’s worked through his depression, I’ve rebuilt myself, and somehow it all works out in the end.

And the hardest part is that the fantasies feel emotionally real even when I logically know they probably aren’t.

It reminds me of my irrational fear of frogs.

Logically, I know frogs are harmless. But my body still reacts automatically, I jump, panic, recoil before logic can catch up. Limerence feels similar to me. My emotional brain reacts first, and then my rational brain has to slowly calm it back down afterward.

I’ve been trying to reframe things differently.

Instead of telling myself: “If I heal, maybe he’ll come back.”

I try to tell myself: “If I heal, my life gets better regardless.”

Some days that mindset helps. Some days it doesn’t.

I still catch myself using the fantasy as motivation, but I try hard to stay grounded in reality. I don’t want to spend another 10 years emotionally attached to someone who ultimately cannot meet me where I am. But unfortunately I compare everyone to him. I want no one, not even other friends. I have no desire for it. I just focus on my main family and myself. It's a complete contrast to who I was before my heart broke. I'm not saddened by it.. but I am afraid of it, that I changed so much... and I'm okay with it.

So I wanted to ask people here:

What actually helped you get through limerence?

Not just intellectually understanding it, but the physical attachment, the obsessive hope, the daydreaming, the constant urge to reconnect even when you know it’s over.

I know this won’t disappear overnight. It took years of emotional conditioning to get here, so I know healing probably won’t happen quickly either.

But I would genuinely love to hear the little things that helped other people “hack” their brains, even temporarily.

At this point, I’m willing to try almost anything healthy that helps me reconnect with myself instead of living inside the fantasy all the time.

Recently I have been trying to tell myself that its a treat, not something I can consume daily.

Kinda like my life, my goals and self improvement is the foundation to a Ice-cream sundae.. if I can get everything together, its still a sundae.

But he is the cherry on top. It doesn't make the Sundae any less delicious, it's just one little bite of something sweet in the moment..

I'm not sure if this is a healthy way to look at it till more time passes and logic catches up that its over.. but its the only way I can compromise with the impulsive thoughts while not completely falling apart when I'm in the lowest points of my mood.