I am so exhausted
As of recently I have felt as though my highly organized life has gotten out of my control. I feel like I am in a constant state of fight-or-flight.
I am a very involved person, having leadership positions in multiple clubs, wrestling, cello, AP courses, 4.7 GPA, volunteer organization founder, part-time job. Somehow this is still not enough for my parents. All of my energy goes into everything I do, and so I do not have the energy to deal with drama or useless bickering. Every time I go downstairs or walk through the front door my mom has something negative to say. So I choose to keep my conversations with her at a very surface level. Because if I try to talk to her about something it turns into a whole rant with the conclusion being that I am either selfish, lazy, ungrateful, or an asshole. My father is a kind man, but as of recently he has begun to snap at me more. Especially when I try to get things off of my chest that I bottled up. He gets mad at me for pushing my problems on to them when all I want to do is talk to someone. There have been some major stressors in their lives as well which might explain some of their behaviors. But it still diminishes my will to keep on going.
Last year I had to get a spinal surgery. I spent 4 months at home recovering, and a good portion of the people in my life were aware that I underwent a major surgery. However, no one reached out. It has been a little over a year since my surgery and I am still recovering from it trying to get back to how I was before, physically. I know it takes time but it feels like I have plateaued in terms of my progress. I no longer feel like myself anymore and it has been weighing on me.
I find some of my friendships to be draining. One of my friends constantly takes off-guard photos of me while I am eating or mid-yap with her posed in the corner and will look at the photo and laugh exclaiming about how I never can “lock in” for pictures. She will then proceed to post these pictures that she already acknowledged were bad on her social media stories. I feel as though she is trying to find ways to put me down. Making it difficult to even have a simple conversation with her trying to make me seem stupid. I feel like a jester whenever I am around her. She started dating a guy and ever since all she seems to talk about is him and how maybe one day I can find a guy too (I am not interested in a relationship).
A few weeks ago in one of my classes an incident occurred where I got very upset and snapped (I normally do not get upset like that), I proceeded to leave my class and had a full meltdown and slammed my head against a wall outside. This caught the attention of a teacher in a neighboring classroom where I was then sent to the guidance office. The guidance counselor lectured me for a bit and sent me on my way. My parents found out and called me dramatic. It is baffling to me how this did not raise any red flags.
I try so hard to escape this feeling,but no matter how hard I try to distract myself from the fact that I am unhappy, I simply can’t. It is cyclical. I feel like everything is in control, and then a little bit later it gets bad again. I am so exhausted.