Think My Fiance Of 14 Years Is Gay (Just want to vent)
I've been lurking on this sub for the last few days, as I believe my fiance is gay. Every now and again I get this gut feeling that he is gay and it makes me go crazy (like I literally can't think of anything else and feel like I'm in a fog) So I really just need to vent to get these thoughts out of my head …
I've been with my fiance for 14 years and we have two children together (2yo and 4mo). Our children are beautiful and our relationship is good for the most part. I do not want to leave him or plan on leaving him, as I am a SAHM. I do still plan on marrying him to ensure I am protected financially. I am just looking for reassurance that I'm not totally crazy as I have no one else to talk to about this.
My fiance and I have always been (at the very least) sexually incompatible. As others have mentioned on this sub, sex usually feels robotic, lacks passion, spontaneity and is the same every time. My fiance has made it very clear (without saying it bluntly) that he prefers oral sex (BJs) to vaginal sex.
It all started on our first christmas together, he bought me flavored lube and throat numbing spray for BJs (in addition to jewelry), but I couldn't help to think what an odd selfish gift that was. Now, he expects to get a BJ every time before we have sex to help get hard and stay hard. This expectation has made me just not want to have sex anymore as it feels more like a chore than a bonding experience. If I shave he will go down on me too, but I honestly just prefer regular passionate sex which I've come to realize is never going to be a reality. There have been a few rare times that sex has been passionate. However, it often feels like his head is somewhere else and the connection just isn't there.
He claims his issues with sex started when he was raped by his high school GF. (she got onto him after giving a bj) He claimed he wanted to save himself for another girl or marriage.
A year after we started dating, his former best friend told me that my fiance received a BJ from a gay guy in middle / HS. My fiance went to an all boy catholic school and claimed this was a fake rumor that caused a lot of bullying for him. I couldn't help but sympathize, knowing how tough that must have been to deal with everybody calling you gay at an all boys school. Especially having been bullied myself in middle school, I felt for him. Also, his friend that told me this was “in love” with me and wanted me to leave him so I thought he was just making it up.
(For the record, I had asked him several times if he was gay and has always said no.)
For years, my fiance was still friendly with that guy who was “rumored” to have given him a bj. And a few years later that same guy sent my fiance a screen shot of a gay porno, because it contained a “straight” guy we all knew and were friends with doing BDSM gay porn. My fiance showed me the photo, and chats with them. I thought it was weird but kind of understood why it happened, as it's good gossip.
However, 10 years into our relationship I felt that something was still off, so I spent a day going through his Google account. I found old text messages from 2012- 2013 (when we started dating) … He was still in contact with 2 of his ex gfs, but more shockingly I saw a text from an old coworker he had (that was gay) asking to give him a BJ. My fiance said “haha you know i love a bj, but I really love my gf and dont want to ruin our relationship”. He also had photos of girls (exs, girls we know fb photos and porn) in secured Google photo folder.
Later on that day I confronted him, he admitted that he did in fact receive a BJ from that guy in HS when he was 14 years old, but said he did nothing with another guy after that. He said the bullying really affected him and he struggled to ‘convince himself’ he wasn't gay after that. He was very upset I went through his phone and changed all of his passwords after that.
Then 6 months after my son was born a random guy messaged him on Snapchat and started hitting on him. Instead of not responding, he just entertained it. Also weird.
He seems to only watch hetero bj / anal porn, and his kink is face fing. I have never seen any gay porn on his phone of laptop (besides the video showing his friend).
I don't want to hold something against him that happened when he was 14 years old, but idk it just feels off.
I know he's not cheating … He doesn't go to the gym, doesn't stay up late, go out alone with his friends and I always have his location. If im not with him, hes watching the kids. I check his phone when I can and never see anything odd. I also check all the dating apps just in case.
Ive decided I'm not giving him anymore BJ's because it makes me uncomfortable that he might be thinking about a man doing it. Im not saying it like that to him, just that im not doing anymore BJs because my effort hasn't been matched. So well see where that goes.
Sorry for the long post, just wanted to vent…