The weight of shame
Hi there. Wayward in my 30s here.
My spouse and I are fresh out of D-Day from an online, non physical affair. I wasn't in love with the AP it was purely a reckless pursuit of external validation. The fallout has been brutal.
Every time I see my BP in distress the shame is paralyzing. Seeing BP cry and feel humiliated makes me feel worthless. To make it worse, the AP is actively leaking screenshots of our old sext messages publicly. Just when we find a little momentum a new leak drops and resets the trauma back to zero.
My spouse is amazingly willing to stay and try to heal, but I am stuck. I can't seem to forgive myself even though I know logically that hating myself won't heal BP.
Between BP’s family and people online saying “you deserve better” is devastating. BP is endlessly searching for logistics and details about the messages. But due to genuine brain fog and the fact that these texts were just throwaways to me at the time, I can't give BP the accurate timelines that’s wanted. I feel like I am completely failing to be comforting
I am trying with everything I have to show up for BP, but tonight I'm just laying in bed, waiting for the next screenshot to drop setting off the next wave of pain.
I hope my marriage survives.