Is anyone actually happy being sober?
I know people say it. They claim things like they’ve never been happier and they’re finally content with life, but a lot of times I just don’t buy it.
It feels disingenuous. I’m not saying it’s everybody. I can just tell that most people that say stuff like that aren’t actually happy. Hell, I’ve had people say that to me and then within a week they were back out in the streets. I guess they weren’t as content as they thought they were. One talent I’ve developed during my life is the ability to read people.
I’m no stranger to this. I’ve been to five rehabs, countless meetings and all that stuff. I’ve seen people claiming to have 20 years sober throw it all away just to go out and roll a bobble. I’m not gonna lie, seeing shit like that is really fucking discouraging.
I’m not saying I don’t think anybody can be happy in sobriety. I just think most people are being dishonest about it. I’ve seen it firsthand. It’s stuff like that which makes me wonder if I’m even one of those people that can be happy being sober. Maybe I’m just not capable of it? Maybe I’m broken.
As long as I can remember if I wasn’t using, I was miserable. It’s not that I have some crazy childhood trauma that I’m trying to block out or something. I just fucking hate being sober.
I’m irritable as hell. The slightest thing will set me off. If I think of something a person did to slight me at any point, I’ll fly off the handle over that shit. I’m fucking angry all the time if I am not actively using stimulants. I’ve done every drug under the sun and been addicted to plenty. Stimulants are just what I’m doing right now. Feeling has always been the same though.
I’m so tired of having to rely on a drug to make it through life but at the same time I don’t wanna be sober. The anger I spoke of isn’t just a bad mood. I’m talking about a deep seated, seething, intense anger that literally overtakes me. I’ve done some wild ass shit when I was in that mindset before.
I know that anger is likely the root of my problem. The drugs are just a symptom of that. My problem is, I don’t even understand where the anger stems from. Like I said, I don’t have any major trauma or anything like that. I’m just an angry fucking man. I don’t understand it nor do I wanna be like this.
I’ve either gotta learn to live sober or this anger is gonna get me really fucked up one day. I’m probably lucky I haven’t been sent to prison ever in my life. I know if I don’t figure something out, though it’s not gonna be much longer before my mind breaks again and I go into psychosis.
Last time it happened I thought I was back in Iraq. I thought I was in combat again. I snapped out of it while hiding in the woods behind the hotel I was staying at. I stuffed myself under a big ass log thinking I was taking cover. I remember the only feeling I had was this intense anger and I wanted to fucking do crazy shit because of it. When I say crazy shit, I mean things that’ll get me life in prison.
I know people say go to therapy, but I have before. I don’t feel like I have anything to talk about because I can’t link this anger to something that happened to me. It’s just there and it won’t go away. I tried to explain this to the people, but I don’t know. It just never helped me. They spend more time trying to figure out what could’ve possibly happened in my past to make me feel this way instead of simply trying to help me figure out how not to feel this way.
It’s like a fucking paradox. I feel like I’m just destined to be this angry piece of shit until the day I finally die. Nobody’s immune to this anger from me either. I’ll go at my own children and convince myself that I hate them. They’re not even fucking 10 years old. What the fuck is wrong with me? Who does that?
I don’t know. I feel like there’s two endings to this. One is prison, one involves squeezing a trigger. I don’t want either of those.
I wanna be able to love like a normal person. I just don’t wanna be so fucking mad all the time anymore. I hate calling it “being mad” because I feel like that downplays it.
I’ve been starting to wonder if I’m like a sociopath or a narcissist or something. I have empathy and I can feel guilt after I snap out of these states of anger. During it though, I’m a literal fucking demon. It’s honestly almost like I become possessed.
My fucking family deserves better than this, but I don’t know how to give it to them other than disappearing. Thanks for reading my rant. I don’t even know why I am writing this.