My husband started a job about a year ago. Early on, he said his team goes to a Vegas conference and he’d probably have to go the next year. He encouraged/wanted me to go, and we discussed me taking vacation time. In February he forwarded me the conference details with a warm “seems it’s a go, love you” type message. He knew I arranged childcare, and even the week before last said, “we need to book this.”
Then the tone changed recently. He started saying it would be all work, no fun, no extra time, and I couldn’t attend anything. Last Thursday, he said I’d be a “stowaway,” that he was “smuggling” me onto a work trip, nobody else was bringing spouses, and he felt like he was lying to coworkers by not telling them I was coming. When I offered to take my own separate trip instead, he said that was spiteful and that he’d leave me home with the kids later and take his own trip later.
On Monday, he sent me a screenshot of an email he’d received the previous Thursday. It asked whether he wanted to fly out early Sunday with a female coworker to help set up Monday, or whether a male coworker should take that spot. The email also said they wanted to give him time to “talk with me” over the weekend.
This was the first I’d seen it. He had made it sound like the issue was me awkwardly coming on a whole-team trip where spouses weren’t included. But the email made it look like the actual decision was whether he should go early with this female coworker or have someone else go.
I also found out it’s not really a whole-team trip; several coworkers are not going. He then said he “could have not gone,” so apparently it was more optional than he’d made it sound.
Our childcare also changed. My sister could no longer help. I texted him that, thinking he’d know we needed to pause before committing. Instead, by lunch Monday he said he had already told his boss he was “all in” for going early and now couldn’t get out of it. I later told him my mom could watch the kids Monday-Wednesday and I’d try to find Sunday coverage. Worst case, I could fly in Monday. His reaction was, “Wait, I’m confused.”
He later said he told two coworkers I was coming and they got seats for me at one dinner. After work, he said he should have told everyone sooner because “all of a sudden” I was invited and “we stressed all weekend for nothing.” When I said that was what I’d been saying, he got defensive and shut down.
I’m not trying to attend meetings or interfere with work. I’d pay my own way and do my own thing during work obligations. I’m upset because this was originally discussed and encouraged, then he delayed/changed the framing, withheld an email that changed the context, and made me feel like an embarrassment even though coworkers later included me.
AITA for still wanting to go?