My girlfriend and I have been together for about a year. In the beginning it was more of a situationship that slowly became a serious relationship over time.
The problem is that for the past few months I’ve been feeling increasingly unsure about the relationship, and what makes it difficult is that there isn’t one major issue or obvious reason why. She’s a good person, we rarely fight, and I genuinely love and care about her. But at the same time I often feel like maybe we’re not truly compatible long term.
Recently I started realizing I probably have an avoidant attachment style. I’ve noticed similar patterns in previous relationships too. I’m already in therapy and trying to work on myself, but I still can’t tell whether these feelings come from my own attachment issues or whether we genuinely aren’t the right match.
As the relationship becomes more serious, my anxiety gets stronger. She talks more and more about moving in together, making future plans, traveling together, and spending more time together. The problem is that instead of feeling excited, I often feel pressure and emotional exhaustion.
For example, she likes planning trips weeks or months in advance. Objectively there’s nothing wrong with that, but because I already feel uncertain internally, whenever she starts booking things far ahead I suddenly feel trapped, like my freedom is disappearing and my hands are tied. Even normal relationship progression sometimes feels overwhelming to me.
I’m very introverted and need a lot of alone time. She’s much more extroverted and emotionally expressive. Sometimes after spending a lot of time together I feel completely drained.
I also often feel like I’m walking on eggshells emotionally because she’s impulsive and sensitive. Not in a toxic way, and we rarely actually argue, but I feel like certain conversations would hurt her deeply. One reason I haven’t brought this up earlier is because I’m honestly afraid of her reaction. I know she will most likely take it very personally and get hurt immediately, even though I’m not trying to attack her or blame her for anything. I mostly just want to finally talk honestly about my own feelings and confusion, and realistically she’s the person I should be able to talk to about that.
At this point the uncertainty itself is becoming exhausting. I spend an unhealthy amount of mental energy thinking about whether I should stay or leave. I’m constantly anxious about it and it affects me a lot emotionally. I’ve even started taking medication for anxiety recently.
What makes this harder is that despite all these doubts, I still love her and care about her deeply. I don’t want to hurt her. But at the same time I’m 32, and part of me feels like if I’m still questioning the future this much after a year, maybe I shouldn’t keep dragging this out.
I’ve reached a point where I feel like I need to finally talk to her honestly about this, because we’ve actually never had really deep conversations about the relationship itself. I’m thinking about approaching it carefully at first, maybe framing it more around my fears about moving in together and whether our personalities are compatible long term, instead of immediately making it sound like I want to break up.
Part of me thinks maybe involving her in this uncertainty is the right thing to do instead of carrying it alone. Maybe she would decide this situation doesn’t work for her, or maybe she could help me understand things differently. I honestly don’t know anymore.
For people who have dealt with avoidant attachment or long term relationship doubts, how did you figure out whether your feelings came from fear and anxiety versus genuine incompatibility? And how do you start a conversation like this without completely blindsiding your partner?
TLDR: I [32M] love my girlfriend [27F], but as the relationship becomes more serious I feel increasingly anxious and unsure about our future together. I can’t tell whether it’s because of avoidant attachment/anxiety or because we genuinely aren’t compatible long term.