Advice pls F30 with M43 how do I move past this?
We have been together for almost 8 years (engaged with a 1.5 year old) and 3 years into our relationship before engagement and baby, my partner went through a period of breaking up with me every year almost to the date of the first breakup. After the third I found out literally days later that he had lied to me and met up with his ex girlfriend who also happened to be his first love. Context - he lied about who he was meeting he told me it was an old performer friend and they were gay. He was going to the city so I tagged along which he was weird about and then also very weird when I changed the music on his phone in the car he started acting strange saying he had private stuff on his phone - it was never an issue before. Any fast forward we get to the city he says he’s going to X coffee shop and I said I would go in as well to which he acted soo weird again. So I left it and did my own thing, I remember registering it as odd but never read into it too much to be honest. Then fast forward a couple weeks and he split up with me for a variety of reasons that didn’t make sense but to be honest I was so hurt I just packed all my stuff and left.
I then started putting things together and confronted him about it, he got defensive initially saying it they were just friends and it didn’t matter we weren’t together now blah blah blah. Anyway a week goes by and he comes back apologising saying he’s sorry for not telling me the truth the funny thing is if he had told me the truth in the beginning I wouldn’t have cared - literally like I’m so chill about that stuff so the fact he lied cast a shadow of doubt over his intentions. Anyway I decided to let it go only it changed me. It changed my love for him. I’ve never loved him with the same intensity again and I find almost 5 years later it still sits with me and I still can’t find it within myself to let that guard down.
We have a beautiful daughter together and I really believe he wouldn’t ever do something like that again he’s never given me a reason to think he wouldn’t but part of me feels like it was the third strike and I won’t allow myself to love him fully again? Anyone else had experience with something similar? Or any advice?
Also allegedly nothing happened no kissing or intimacy of any kind, they went for a coffee and then a drink. Then I met him again and we drove home. I did find a text from him to her a couple days after we broke up saying he was relieved but i don’t have the context for the rest of the convo.