We’re supposed to get married in August, but I found him texting Onlyfans models.
Here’s some backstory: Me (25F) and this man (27M) are a 2020 pandemic love story. We’ve known each other for 5+ years at this point, but we truly got to know each other when we quarantined with mutual friends. Through our conversations, I realize that we were literally on the same page on everything: our outlooks on life, marriage, raising kids, etc. I also admired our similarities in ambition and emotional intelligence. I couldn’t believe I had a good thing in front of me all this time. This man has literally become my best friend and I can’t imagine going through life with anyone else.
So, we got engaged in 2023. But a few years go by and there are no wedding talks. I am feeling especially frustrated because initiating wedding talks are a cultural role for the groom-to-be. Then I gave him an ultimatum — either we get married in 2026 or I’m leaving him. Just a few weeks ago, he proposed to me that August of this year is when his family will come to discuss with mine.
I’m happy there’s progress being made but I noticed a few things:
(1) We haven’t been having sex
(2) He’s not initiating as often
(3) My advances are rejected
(4) He hasn’t been inviting me to shower with him
These are all pretty common things in our relationship. We have a healthy sex life. Some way some how, our sex always tops the last. I truly don’t understand how this is possible — but hey, it must be a testament to our love and communication. All this to say that it’s extremely weird that we haven’t been having sex.
I asked him if everything’s okay, what’s going on… and he tells me that everything is fine, he’s just been tired and he has a rash going that probably plays a role in his low sex-drive.
This was all reasonable, but I just had an inkling to check his phone. And I’m glad I did.
Later that night, I took his phone and went through all the apps. TikTok, Instagram, and *aha* Reddit. Of course he watched porn on Reddit, which I don’t care about. Everyone watches porn.
But fuck, I go over to the inbox section and I see that he messaged two Redditors who post sexual content of themselves. He messaged one Redditor from a local FWB page two weeks ago and asked if they would like to get to know each other. Another was a budding porn star on Reddit, messages sent with heart eyes, sent 5 days ago (right before he mentioned the wedding date to me).
I guess the boundaries are blurred here because we’ve tried an open-relationship and swinging before. But at this point, it’s been over a year since we have done anything in those realms. So now I’m hurt and confused. How could he message other pornstars, begging for their attention, while telling me I’m the love his life and he’s ready to marry me?? And why didn’t he just communicate that he was doing that? I may or may not have been receptive to it? But the fact that he hid it (and wouldn’t have told me) is insane. This feels like emotional cheating in a way??
I did bring it up to him and we talked about it. He said it was a moment of weakness and admitted to porn addiction. He has since deleted his Reddit account and stuff. But he’s genuinely lost my trust in a way I can’t explain. Why didn’t he consider how his actions could impact me as a partner?
And every time I look at him, I just can’t help but be reminded of his actions. He’s probably wanting attention from some other porn star.
The hardest thing is that I know I love him but I won’t ever look at him the same. I keep asking myself, “Would I ever have done that to him?” and the answer is no, I wouldn’t have.
And if a friend told me they were in this exact situation? I would tell them to run far away. But I just can’t help myself to do the same. I want to leave, but I have so much love for him and for us. What would you do?
TLDR; Fiancé is given ultimatum, sets a wedding date, but then I find out he texted Onlyfans models on Reddit. Idk what to do. Should I leave? Or do I overlook his “mistake” and commit to a life long marriage?