Sexual abuse in past relationship?
Was I raped? Sexually assaulted? Sexually coerced?
I got out of a 4 year relationship about 6 months ago and I didn’t really think about anything that happened in that relationship until about 3 weeks ago when I saw an old video on my phone and it all came flooding back. And now I’ve been really struggling to process some of the things that happened in that relationship.
When we started dating he love bombed me a lot and I had been really struggling with my mental health and had just gotten out of the mental hospital. We met diving in Barbados (his dad owned the dive company) and I ended up moving to Barbados to be with him and work in diving. Everything felt fun and loving and an adventure. Until the problems started. He was an alcoholic and his drinking got progressively worse and worse. He started becoming very emotionally and psychologically abusive, yelling and screaming at me constantly over everything. It was very inconsistent on what he would get upset about so I was constantly on eggshells. He would call me names, threaten to break up with me, turn everything around into my fault, gaslight me to the point I can’t trust my own memories anymore because he would twist things so much, threaten to call immigration if I left him, swear at me, call me psychotic and crazy, scream at me for having panic attacks because of his behaviour etc. I was very isolated, my job was through him, I couldn’t afford rent alone, I had no car, all my friends were his friends except one and it would be a fight everytime I wanted to hang out with her etc. when he would especially drink (which became every night) he would get very aggressive and scary. He got violent sometimes he would push me, throw things, grab and pull me, push me against a wall and scream in my face, he slammed a door on my head once and another time slammed it on me and broke my toe. he would cry and apologize and promise to do better and then it would be really nice and loving again for a few days until the cycle repeats with something new.
My brain kind of blocked a lot of these memories out until a few weeks ago it all came flooding back. But my memories of all of the bad stuff is pretty hazy because I dissociate a lot. All of that stuff I’m now able to accept was emotional and a little bit of physical abuse.
But what I’m confused about is the sexual stuff. There were a lot of instances that he would pressure me into sex to varying degrees. He would manipulate me and threaten to get it somewhere else, guilt me for being a bad girlfriend, tell me I owed him if he did something nice for me, or that if it had been a few days that he had needs etc. if I kept saying no he would freak out and get really angry or stonewall me or it would just be a fight and drama for days. So a lot of times I just would give it because it was easier. There were time that it wouldn’t go in because my body wasn’t turned on so it wouldn’t hurt and I just taught him to use lube, it still hurt but not as much. He convinced me there was something wrong with my body and I ended up going to the doctor 3 different times for vaginal pain. There was other times that it wouldn’t really start to hurt if he went too deep and I would say stop stop. Sometimes he did but sometimes he didn’t because he said he liked that when it would hurt me too deep. Those memories are a little more fuzzy as well as some of the times when he was drunk I don’t remember very well I think I disassociated. I remember getting in a fight once and him saying he couldn’t rape me because we were in a relationship and he didn’t hold me down or anything. I showed him that video on consent with the tea after but I don’t remember any other context. He also always wanted morning sex and I never did but he said he needed it and it was the best and other girls gave it to him etc. and if I said no enough times it was a big fight. So I would just say yes like every 2 weeks or so so he would stop bothering me because he would also touch me while I was sleeping or to wake me up. I once woke up to him fingering me and a lot of times to him pressing against me, once he tried to put it in while I was sleeping but I woke up and got really mad. Also when I would go anywhere with him in the evening he would drink and try and get me to drink a lot too. And there was always an expectation after so I would pretend to be sick or tired so he wouldn’t try anything. Sometimes he would still try but those memories are too fuzzy to remember. He never used any physical violence to force me and he never threatened to hurt me if I didn’t say yes. Is this rape? Or sexual coercion? Does anyone have similar stories that can help me make sense of what happened?