What do I do
I’m at a loss help me gain my sanity back please. I 21F am in quite a situation with Lucas 23M. I’m gonna start from the start. This is my first post please be kind. I had a really really really rough year. Maybe this context is relevant and maybe I just need someone to vent to. I had a truly life altering friendship breakup maybe that’s something I’ll eventually share to this platform. Soon after I got assaulted and r*p*d. Maybe a month later my dad died. This is around the time I first met him (there’s acc such insane shit that happened before this but I think that’d be a post in itself). After my dad passed Three months after I almost lost my mom to cancer (this story in itself was actually so insane I’ll potentially do a post for this). Lucas and I met on hinge, it wasn’t love at first sight. No major issues just no connection. Months later he popped into my life because someone was harassing him and he thought it was me (it was not). Full disclosure I didn’t feel the attraction the first date and assumed he was using this as an excuse to continue communication after I tried to end it. Turns out some girl actually was harassing him. We kinda started bonding after that and we ended up hanging out. He helped me move into my new home and move my sister into her house. I went abroad and my mom had her health scare. He talked me through the entire thing. We got back hung out more and it was great but there were comments that threw me off “being single is just SOOO much easier.” Like he went on rants about how it was sm easier. I assumed that meant relationships weren’t on the table but I wanted to keep seeing him bc I liked him, even if it meant I was dragging something that’d hurt me. I ended up sleeping with someone else. I never did it again and continued seeing Lucas. We started seeing each other more frequently and he started sleeping over. Things were great, we sat down and talked about our intentions and he said he wanted a relationship. I said I see us going into that direction. A week later we started dating. I’ll admit I should’ve mentioned sleeping with the guy before but I didn’t. Around two months in I told him bc it came up bc the conversation was leading into that kinda question. He was beyond pissed and felt betrayed. In his eyes he saw it as cheating. We got passed it (or so I thought) and months later he was showing signs that he wasn’t fully in it and eventually went behind my back and spoke to the guy I slept with. I found out from the guy. Lucas begged for my forgiveness I was like hell nah, go see other people idc. I calmed down and said, if he genuinely means he regrets it and won’t do it again he needs to get therapy and sort this out independently bc I needed time to see if I could re enter the relationship without letting what happened impact the way I treat him. After talking to my friends who have met him before they all were like okay proceed with caution. This girl texts me with the classic hey girly text and He tells me he was going on dates during that time. I was hurt and gonna end things fr fr. Then he pulled up my own messages of me giving full permission to do as he pleases (I said that when I had calmed down but clearly I was in a psychosis). He reassured it was bc I insisted (I did bc I was convinced that would show him there isn’t better out there and boy did I say that shit with my chest). He said he wouldn’t have done it is we were exclusive like he asked us to be. I told him fine we can try but he needs to continue therapy and I’m feeling rather insecure he chose to see other people while trying to get together with me and that it’d take me a lot to feel like he’d chose me. He got my initials tatted (lowkey my idea I said it as a joke) I told him either hair transplant or tat and was lowkey hoping he’d get the hair transplant but he unfortunately did not. Things were good until they weren’t. All the emotions I’d been repressing from my traumas I could no longer avoid. I was feeling super on edge about it all. There were moments I’d say the wrong thing and he’d threaten to breakup. For example the ex friends with benefit messaged again (presumably to get freaky) and I asked Lucas “u didn’t do anything Did u” he was pissed to say the least. But idk stuff like that. I’m tired so I can’t rlly think of more examples and I’m sure I’m missing details about all the things he said which idk if it’s possible but I’ll try to add later. I was losing my mind and broke it off, my therapist said it’s because I haven’t taken a break ever and all my traumas are coming back all at once causing me this anxiety. She said go a while no contact and maybe try again. She said I can’t expect to hold him in place tho and that I have to accept the fact he may see other people. There was lots of back and forth with me and Lucas he was saying shit about how he wants me but can’t have me. I told him to do whatever but if we try again I’d wanna do it right and do it monogamously. Things were looking up in life I hit him up and we started hanging out and it was great. He just told me during the time we were talking (we lowkey never COMPLETELY stopped) which was pretty much the whole duration, he saw someone and had sex. I’m at a loss. He’s saying he doesnt even know if he’s looking for a relationship right now. When we started talking my intention was to just suss out this situation and see if he had better conflict resolution styles and to slowly work on it. We threw around so many ideas: breakup, polyamory, having one sex buddy (I told him I’m not ready to have sex with him and want to explore my sexuality), seeing nobody, trying again, giving up. We are supposed to see each other Thursday so I guess we will see then. I have no idea what even happened or what I’m going. When I saw him last it was amazing (before I knew about the girls). To clarify when we were talking he gave me the impression he felt no need to see anyone and never told me that changed. So all I can ask if for help even though deep down I know what the answer is likely gonna be.