Am I selfish and spoiled? I don’t know anymore
I’m young (17F) and never did this before I’m just really stressed right now, I apologize if this isn’t proper or too long. I was adopted when I was 9 months old and my parents are very well off which I’m extremely grateful for and know I’m so so lucky to have that and my sister (24F) is also adopted. My sister basically raised me and I look up to her a lot, she’s my idol in lots of ways but because of that shes spent lots of money and time on me. I don’t think I’m a difficult child and I try not to be a brat but I’m slow in lots of cases and am autistic and have poor social cues and have horrible stress and anxiety which I have medication for and go to therapy.
I was fortunate enough to go to Japan when I was 15, something most can’t do which I know. it was my sisters gift to me and she paid lots of money for it. There on the trip I messed up a lot and couldnt speak Japanese and already have trouble speaking in English and I stammered a lot then. She told me I was the reason she wanted to kill herself, she said she’d go outside that night and run into traffic, and she wanted to cut contact with me. It hurt and a year later I told her how it hurt, she said sorry but said I messed up.
I went to Japan again the next year thanks to her, I was very grateful And still am. I messed up more again and on the way back she said I ruined everything and she’d leave me alone there and not see me again.
I have a bad habit of crying when stressed and scared and she says I do it to manipulate people and I get angry too easily and i have a victim complex.
i am going to Japan again and she says I’m not excited, I am, I’m so so happy but I don’t want to be annoying about it and she says I’m spoiled and selfish. I don’t think I am, I know I’m lucky, in my hometown where I was adopted from id probably be dead or starving, I won the lottery but she says these things and makes me wonder if I’m the bad guy? She had a harder childhood than me when our mom was abusive and our dad wasn’t around. Soon I have to live with her or our parents in states down and I don’t know what to do. I love her and she loves me but I’m not sure. Sorry for the long rant I haven’t done this before, only seen it in videos or shorts.