u/Constant_Cow_8467

I (F25) and my boyfriend (M26) have been together for almost a year and a half. Last October, when we had been together almost 9 months, I found out he had been exchanging sexual messages with girls on Kik and Reddit for the entirety of our relationship. I very nearly dumped him that night, but we had a VERY long conversation and he showed genuine remorse and explained that he basically just saw it the same as watching p*rn (which I had already established that I personally am not okay with him watching it early in the relationship because I feel it’s unhealthy when you’re in a relationship, so it doesn’t make it much better). His 4 year old brother also unexpectedly passed about a week beforehand, and I didn’t want to leave him at a time when he needed support. Most of all, I genuinely just loved him and believed him. But I told him that if I ever see anything like that ever again, that I would not hesitate to leave him.

Lo and behold, we move in together in December, and in March, I went through his phone again, and he was messaging girls on Reddit again. These were from groups that are local to our area, too. Regardless, I (maybe naively) do believe that nothing physical ever happened because we pretty much spend almost every waking minute together and have each others locations. He swore to me up and down that he would never ever do it again this time, but I just haven’t really felt that I could trust him the same way since.

He struggles a LOTTT with his mental health and I genuinely just think that his brain basically latches onto anything that gives a false sense of happiness. I truly think that all of this is rooted in a p*rn addiction more than an actual desire to meet up with someone and cheat physically. Trust hasnt been the same since, but I love him and also am not in a financial position to move again, so i have tried to forgive, but i just am not sure whether or not I can.

At the beginning of this month, i went through his computer while he was at work and found that he has been using a website to s*xt with an AI bot since January. Since I have WELL established many times that I’m not even okay with just watching “normal” p*rn, this was also a huge breach of trust. He told me that he “didn’t know I wasn’t okay with it” and that he’d stop right away. I looked again last week, and he’s still using that website.

It all sounds incredibly bad, and it is. I am extremely hurt over it all. I do truly in my soul think that it’s an addiction and that it doesn’t make him a bad person, but that he needs help that I can’t give and his behavior is also constantly hurting me, regardless of where it is stemming from. He also just doesn’t have a lot of close friends or family in his life, and I don’t want to leave him when he clearly needs support. However, I have also encouraged him countless times to go to therapy and reach out to his friends more. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink it.

If I break up with him, both of us will have to move again, as neither of us can afford the apartment that we have alone. This is also only my second relationship ever, and I was the one who got broken up with last time, so I’ve never had to do it before and the thought of breaking his heart kills me, even though it’s the result of his own actions.

Would I be the asshole if I leave him? Do you guys think there’s any realistic chance that things could get better?

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