u/Constructief

I don't know if this piece of text is appropriate for this subreddit, and if not, please let me know, but I just wanted to share my story from today.

I am having a whole episode of auditory hallucinations today. I did take my medication last night, but I went to bed late and didn't eat until 7:00 PM today. Plus, I didn't have breakfast or lunch. And yet I ended up having a long conversation with ChatGPT where the focus was on hearing voices and sounds. I don't know if it's because I was thinking about it so much during the conversation or if it just happened out of insecurity. It started when I thought I heard a comment about me from the neighbor. I heard a lot of sounds from the neighbors, which triggers the auditory hallucination. Realize that when it is quiet, there is no chance of hearing anything that makes sense; in my case, it stems from people's voices and the interpretation by my own brain. Right now, it is quiet in my head. I hear the cars whizzing past in the street. I took a lorazepam (1mg) 40 minutes ago; it is possible that this contributes to the calmness in my head.
I went for a walk anyway, and my legs carried me calmly, and sometimes a bit more restlessly, along the walking route. I almost forgot about my back because I had surgery recently and therefore have to take it easy.

But my schizophrenia manifests itself in voices (auditory hallucinations). Otherwise, it doesn't bother me. But today was a real struggle.

Hi,
I’m Mel.
There is something about me and they diagnosed it with schizophrenia. At first it just happened around me. And I responded to it. I didn’t understand and connected no value to it. But later when I was working in a stressful environment (reachtruck driver with targets and times) it became more obvious. I heard it more often. The one day more than the other day. But still I tried to manage it and I thought it was a part of the business culture.
Until at one day I sat down in the canteen and I heard it everywhere. I stood up and said f it.
Called myself in sick. Went home and my father sent me to London to my brother. Did strange things there. And came back. To be brought first thing from the flight landing to the mental hospital. Voluntarily. When I arrived the doors closed and I couldn’t get out. So I had to find a way to get out. Because I was still running from it.
I think they diagnosed me there. Gave heavy medicine. Which had me paralysed in my moving. Aripiprazol.

I got out somehow. They wanted to keep me there longer. But I was voluntarily there. So I left when I found the chance.

But nothing stopped. And it had made me anxious. And I lost my job. But did get a financial catching net from somewhere. Which paid an amount of money so I could still pay my rent and do the groceries.

And I went back on cannabis. And alcohol.

Supermarket and the street and seeing the neighbours were the last I wanted to see. I kept hearing insults coming from them in what I experienced. Sometimes I confronted someone. And they always denied that they had said such thing what I had heard. And then I could do nothing.

Until I smashed the mirrors of someone’s car. And kicked a car and was aggressive. And the police were investigating it. And I had to go to court.
There was no punishment. But I had to not commit anything for a year and than I’d be free. No penalty or sum.

Then I asked my mum if I could rehabilitate with her. I had stopped cannabis with help of my dad. And drank no alcohol at that point. She took me in and took care over me. For four years now. And I am 5 years clean now. And 2 years sober. I take fluonxol 6mg each day. And sometimes 1mg lorazepam. And it’s quiet.

Only when I do walks. I hear sometimes something coming from a person I don’t know on the street. And I think in my mind I make an assumption of what was said and I take that personal. And I used to feel the aggression over that, like I said.
But these days, after 100s of walks. And years of recovery. I hear something and I don’t pay attention to it. And I walk on. And sometimes my brain is quick enough to make the sound into a comment. And than I start counting: 1.
Until I hear something again that concerns me: 2

Today I had 3 walks of 25 minutes.
The first one I heard nothing odd
The second one 4 things
And the third one 2 things.

I’m proud that I’m counting now and that there is no further emotion coming from it. I just continue my walk and my thought: about gaming, about cycling, about recovery, about family etc.

That’s what I wanted to share.
Wish everybody the best day today.
And I feel honoured to be a part of this sub.