u/ConstructionGlum3953

I think this quarter life crisis and free healthcare has taken me to a very strange place. I’m undiagnosed, haven’t been to a therapist although i probably should. I have a healthy network that has started to deteriorate because my personal failures have caught up to me now to a point where I cannot meet the expectations and responsibilities I have by my own actions set for those in my life around me. I can not put these responsibilities on anyone else. I open up about my mental health, but I fear it’s never taken seriously, or it is but people recognize that I am still accountable for my own inaction in life. I don’t really do anything and the world seems very gray. All leisure fills me with guilt and i can not get myself to work or function at a nearly acceptable rate. I’ve been wanting to punish myself, and also put a visible reminder to people that I am not well. It’s a weird obsession i guess to mark myself in a way where people will know that I am actually Ill? Maybe it’s ego. I recognize it’s certainly reckless, it would be impulsive and physically disable me and I will likely regret it the second I achieve it, but no matter how much research i put into it, how irrational it is, I get closer every time i try. I don’t know what to do. It gets harder every day.