I just need to rant
basically im a transfer student, so a 3rd year at UCLA...
this has been such a humbling and embarrassing journey. ive struggled mentally since i was around 9/10 and at 14-16, it hit rock bottom. after that, ive come a long way but after transferring, i felt all the horrible emotions again. I couldnt deal with it so i reached out and got on medication. It has been such a long journey (4 months) and im still not on meds that work. (for reference i have MDD and other stuff, but high functioning)
ive felt so discouraged because how am i on meds and still feeling like this? TW: It just so hard going to college when all you're trying to do is not kys. like i go to class and all i can think about is trying to stop the thoughts and wanting to relapse (SH).
and i have friends but I just can't. like i genuinely have been segregating myself because I'm ashamed of my emotions, and i know if i talk to them, i will say what's wrong with me...I just can't do that.
I've also never let my grades slip in college (4.0 type student) and after transferring ive started getting worse grades and just not carrying bc i tell myself "at least you're alive". which is not valid because i need to do good (pre-med). so many issues on top of issues
and im the only person in my family that has gone to college so my family wouldn't understand the stress of needing to do all these at once: volunteer, leadership, work, clinical, MCAT, studying for classes, internships, research, shadowing, etc
like, damn, can ppl start talking about this because i know the world keeps going despite my mental illnesses which has made it so hard for me to "take a break". like if i take a break, ill be behind by a billion years and my grades and opportunities will plummet.
TWWW:
ive also already relapsed and it helps but i feel like a huge failure because I'm on meds- ....likeeeeeI haven't relapsed in 4 years (not on meds) so now that im getting help...shouldnt it be better?? LOLLL
any advice is appreciated :3