Trauma Preventing Me From Stepping Forward
I'm writing this because I'm lost on what to do. Been conflicted for a little while now on whether or not I should continue pursuing Orthodoxy. I'll keep it brief because I don't like mentioning the details, but as I was getting into it I was severely traumatised. Certain ideas that pop up within the church make my body flood with adrenaline as if I were in a real survival situation. I also have continual, extremely loud intrusive thoughts regarding the trauma and it's like it's almost impossible to at least turn the volume down on my own brain. I have tried to reach out before to mental health professionals but it's been very difficult as they didn't call me back twice. Part of me wants to continue, but I'm very hesitant. I've already cut out basically all Orthodox content online to avoid these things, but my avoidance is getting to a certain point where I don't want to move. There have been times where triggers randomly pop up causing me to panic though, further cementing the avoidance of anything Orthodox.
This is not a hit piece on the Church either, I know logically that Orthodoxy is infinitely good but my nervous system disagrees, and no amount of logic will fix that. Believe me, I've tried to logic my way out of this hundreds of times.
Please do not turn this into a pity-party.