I have a problem with affection or people simply trying to show they care by telling me words of comfort like "im here for you!" or "youre a great kid". It disgust me. I have a body response which is like kinda twitching my head or getting a shiver kind of feeling that seems...gross? i hate it and i cant stop it.
From what it seems i was in a really abusive house hold growing up and there was plenty of neglect, physically and mentally. I dont remember most of it besides a few things that arent all that bad but my sister does and she doesnt like talking about it.
I get disgusted when my dad tells me he loves me for fucksake. Getting things like hugs and affection make me want to throw up and run away even if i love the person.
I dont know how i can fix this and its not even the start of my problems but if i could get a reason that would be nice. I started talking to a therapist recently and she thinks i have moderate to severe depression along with ptsd even tho i dont remember anything.
I decided to tell her I have thoughts about ending my life even if i doubt i ever will because i know i would pussy out anyways, she called that being "passively sucidal". I want a future of course and i think I'm being dramatic since i know people have had it plently worse and for a longer time so i feel guilt in feeling like this anyways. I already have decided if anything happens to my older sister i think i could be okay with killing myself since i wouldnt really have anything else to live for. Its sad yes and i do have family that loves me but i feel like shit all the time and the only person i trust with some of these feeling is her.
I dont have the motivation to have any actual goals besides stupid small ones and i dont really want kids since im scared i would repeat the cycle of abuse even though i could never bring myself to hit a child.
I kinda got off the point there so you can ignore this and only respond to my og question, cheers! :)