How do I start living my own life at 30?
Hi, I know it may seem like a stupid question, but let me explain.
I’ve (M30) been in a relationship for 9 years and it ended up a month and a half ago. The main reason was our codependency. She needed emotional support to the point it was unbearable for me to help with her anxiety (also bc I was the only one to give her support), while I unconsciously used her to avoid dealing with my biggest flaw, which is my fear of making choices.
I don’t know if I can explain how I feel. It seems like my ability to make choices is numb, like an old car that’s never been used for a long time and now it’s really hard to start the engine.
I want to get back to her so bad bc I love her, but I know it’s also bc I miss the comfort zone which was our relationship and that’s not a solid basis to restart my life with her.
I had to accept that the only way I can get back to her is by first becoming a full person by myself. I can’t be with her if my incompleteness brings me to spontaneously use her as a shield to avoid dealing with my flaws.
That being said, I really don’t know how to live my individuality. Sure, this relationship drained me of a lot of energy, but it worsened a problem that was already there before meeting her.
Ever since I was a kid I had a hard time interacting with people. I was really shy and introverted. I isolated myself a lot and I was lazy.
To me, having to deal with people has always been a hell of a challenge against myself: I constantly wonder what to say or do next, how I’m being perceived, it’s a constant judgment.
Probably this constant self-judging made it hard for me to dive into my thoughts. I learned to think with other people’s minds and therefore I never learned to listen to my own thoughts. I learned that having my own thoughts was bad if expressing them lead to harsh reactions.
“If my own opinions create negative reactions I am inherently bad”.
I don’t know exactly how I got to this amount of guilt. Maybe a combination of my parents’ heavy and frequent judgment my mother’s huge apprehensiveness and my father’s inability to control his emotions (mostly rage).
Yet I can’t tell if this is enough to justify the hate I feel for myself, the low self esteem and suicidal thoughts. Yes, my parents have flaws but I wouldn’t say they are bad parents.
Nonetheless it saddens me to not be able to dive into my passions (drawing, music, theatre). I know I can do a lot of things, yet I never made an exhibition, I never completed more than one song and played live bc I always spiral into doubts and so I’m not able to end a single project.
I’d feel more complete and confident if I was able to interact with people, make my passions grow and be more productive.
But I feel miserable. I panic bc I don’t know what to do during the day, I always end up doom scrolling and overthinking, while I see people going out with lots of friends, travelling the world,pursuing plans for the future. I don’t go out bc I fear people might see what a loser I am, I have few friends and they never go out or travel (unless with their gf/bf), I don’t have plans for the future. I see no point in living this life. Everywhere I turn I see a wall. I know it’s in my head but it seems indestructible, the weight is becoming more and more unbearable.
In September I’ll start a new job and having a routine will surely help but I feel so sick of myself. I want to be able to be on my own, what can I do?
P.S.: I already go to therapy and take antidepressants.