Friend is a shitty (maybe dangerous?) therapist
Hey everyone,
I've been lurking for a little while, but this is my first time posting. I have been in therapy of my own volition for nearly twenty years, and I've experienced my fair share of therapists who have done more harm than good. While there have been a few who have provided some validation and useful strategies-- the majority of my experiences have left me feeling worse about myself, gaslit about what I've experienced, and alienated and alone. The bulk of the healing I've done I feel like I've done myself, through reading, journaling, getting distance from abusive people, forming more reciprocal relationships, or having my life circumstances improve, either through luck or effort.
I think I am realizing that a long-standing friendship is what has maybe turned me off of therapy for good. Basically, I have a friend ( we're not talking right now) who is a social worker, and to me it feels like this friend is a bit high on the power that diagnosing other people seems to provide them. My hunch is that they are experiencing a lot of internalized stigma around their own mental health stuff, and are putting others down to build themselves up.
They talk about how stable they are now as if they've arrived at some destination, have seen the light, etc., while talking about how it is their "sacred duty" to diagnose their friends. Despite coming from a social justice background, they frequently diagnose clients with borderline personality disorder, a highly stigmatized disorder with a very misogynistic history, while saying that if a patient meets the criteria it's just that simple ( I guess they don't believe in differential diagnosis). They offered to help a friend of my partner's who is in a very precarious situation with her resume, but on the call, told her to her face that they believed she was actively psychotic and could never work unless she was on medication, and then was angry at my partner for even exposing them to this person. The person getting the resume help had disclosed to my therapist friend that she was a psychiatric abuse survivor.
They've insisted that I have bipolar, as well as borderline ( I don't, even though I have plenty of other mental health diagnoses that I do think are more fitting, despite being critical of the medical model. No therapist has ever thought that I had either of these conditions, and I also didn't ask for their opinion on the matter). I do have cPTSD, ADHD, am level 1 autistic, and have struggled with OCD, if we are going with labels, but my opinion is that these are an imprecise science to begin with and that the individual gets to determine whether or not they identify these labels. I've made my stance on this clear-- that I don't identify with either of these diagnoses, that no other friends think these fit me, and that I am overall critical of the DSM and the medical model, as well of the institution of therapy as a whole. Still, if I am ever upset about the way someone has treated me, or am sad about being excluded by a cliquey group of friends, they say I am "splitting," etc. I feel like anyone who has ever known me would probably tell me I could stand to stand-up for myself more and suppress my anger less, actually.
It's really hard to sum everything up in this post, but our surrounding friend group is very steeped in therapy-speak, and often weaponizes it to be manipulative or selfish.For example, this aforementioned therapist friend suggested that it was "unsafe to unmask around me" when I shared that it hurts my feelings when we hang out on holidays ( we are both estranged from family) and they do not look up from their phone and effectively just ignore me, or respond impatiently and irritably to things I say. I said this gently, and as soon as they said it was relating to unmasking, I was like "Oooh, okay. If that's where it's coming from, I feel better." But they continued to insist I was now completely unsafe to unmask around. The irony is that I am neurodivergent as well, but they blamed how they treat me on "my social cues being too subtle." They also have recently been going on in some very grandiose ways about how empathetic they are and how much they have helped their clients. There has also been a recent stint in which they suggested I am unempathetic/morally in the wrong for not believing that AI chatbots are conscious. I read the manuscript ( a transcript of their chat with an AI chatbot) they were trying to publish, and it was just them soaking up the chatbot sycophancy, while the chatbot repeatedly told them how empathetic they were for recognizing its consciousness. I don't know if some form of AI psychosis is going on or whether they just need to be told that they're empathetic, special, etc.
I am still figuring out whether this is worth another conversation/whether this friendship is worth trying to salvage, but goodness, I am so tired. This friend group talks in culty therapy-speak pretty incessantly, and I've realized that I just have a different outlook on life and on life and maybe these folks are just not my people but with this particular friend, it is concerning because they're a professional. I'm worried they could do some realdamage, but I don't really think there's anything I can do about that.
In terms of my own therapists, I'm pretty sick of cycling through them. I think my current one has overstepped a lot (insisting my grandma isn't being neglected, and that she was most likely abusive so no one has to take care of her---my therapist has so few details, and there is absolutely no way to know what my grandma was like as a parent, regardless of what we might suspect. I think she had issues, but I have no actual evidence that she was severely abusive or solely responsible for creating the cruel people my father and aunt have become. I am open to the possibility, but the truth of the matter is we just don't have this information, and neglecting an elderly, isolated, non-English speaking person is inexcusable imo, in my value system, especially when there are financial resources and other people willing to be caregivers. But I guess she felt the need to impose this value and assumption on me).
It all just feels alienating and useless, and I guess I'm supposed to buy that I'll never heal from trauma unless I submit myself to these alienating interactions and imbalanced power dynamics in which I feel like people aren't even really listening, in which half the time, they're just projecting their own shit onto me? I don't know, I leave therapy feeling like shit about myself, like I'm perceiving my own life inaccurately. She even made a comment about an adult who was creepy to me when I was a child/young teen just "trying to protect my purity" AFTER I mentioned that this adult said and did some inappropriate things.
My actual therapist aside, I think my friend who happens to be a therapist is the one who has really burned me. I feel like they needed to see me as crazy/broken to build themselves up, and from what I've heard, the way they're behaving with clients also concerns me. Being in this one-on-one dynamic with people who have the potential to overstep and abuse power really scares me and does not feel worth it, but I am coming up against the fact that everyone acts like this is the only way to really heal. For instance, when I told my other friend that I was "going back to therapy" after a traumatic family event, the friend said "I'm proud of you" ( they meant well) as if that was the healthy thing to do, or as if my previous resistance ( only after decades of trying) was somehow unhealthy or unenlightened. I don't know--does anyone have any resources that are therapy-critical while still encouraging healing and hope?
It just seems like the more invested in therapy-speak/culture someone is, the more callous and judgemental they tend to be. It makes me so sad, and I really don't want to become like this myself.
I am wondering if anyone else has arrived here through a therapist in their lives ( friend, partner, etc.), not just their own therapist. I am also curious about any resources about trauma healing, not through one-on-one therapy, that anyone has. I want space from this stuff, but I don't want to give up on healing, growing, etc.