Long, Analytical, Conversational - You are welcome to answer all or none of my questions. Even sharing random ramblings. Cheers!

I (25F) recently began my first relationship, and it's introduced a new dimension to how I relate to God. I aim to keep Him at the center of every step.

However, I am quite confused.

"Dating" as a concept isn't mentioned in the Bible. By biblical standards, you're technically single until you're married. Isaac, Jacob, and Moses found partners at wells in the OT (technically, Isaac's servant did it for him, but follow along!). I call this "The Well Test." But the point stands: the walk toward marriage is a journey, like any part of life.

In biblical times, romance wasn't the primary driver of marriage. It was strategy, financial compatibility, and spiritual alignment - a unification to expand the family unit and secure resources (land, power, money, control). Now we lead with emotion and passion; how we feel is as essential as realistic alignment in finances, location, vision, and purpose. The driver toward marriage has reversed itself over time, and this social evolution has made it so people commit later - a good or bad phenomenon? Up to you to determine.

But relationship-ing with God isn't self-first or feelings-first, not really IMO. It means weighing both of those things against truth and standard, not dismissing them. It's about the wrestle, the iron v. iron, the conflict amidst uncomfortable trusts!

I am currently reading "Choosing God's Best: Wisdom for Lifelong Romance" by Dr. Don Raunikar, and its aim is to reintroduce and coax the modern man back into the practice of courtship. My goal isn't to take the writer's word as gospel, just to build a foundation for navigating romantic relationships responsibly....

We see the cost of sidelining God for emotional pursuit in many ways: media, personal experience, etc. It manifests as spiritual, emotional, and physical harm that oftentimes takes time, therapy, or both to rectify before 'getting back in there'.

I do think the modern approach has hurt more than helped, though I was pretty interested in understanding how we got here in the States, at least. Dating itself is kinda new (was surprised by this), gaining popularity in the 20th century as capitalism introduced economic independence from the family unit. People moved for work and became financially autonomous faster. People also had cars, increasing their relational mobility, and time with your boy/girlfriend could be more exclusive. No more ringing the bell of her parents' house and that awkward chatter whilst her mother eavesdropped in some parlor! No! You've got a car! You can pick her up and take her to the drive-in movies, steal a kiss, watch her blush, whisper sweet nothings, and voilà! You've got a girly-pop! No more needing dad's grunting approval! No more of momma's meddling in your business! Hurrah to mass production! Hurrah for the economic boom, the rise in cigarette sales, and "going steady." Hurrah for educational equality on the rise and for girls on campus, not in the home!

And there you have it!

Family input, once instrumental, gradually became optional. Raunikar and other "bring back courtship" advocates say that honoring thy mother and thy father means prioritizing their input in choosing a partner.

But I take issue with this for a few reasons: what if you're dealing with a jealous or abusive mother, an absent or emotionally detached father? What then?

I find Raunikar sometimes bordering on legalism and lacking discernment for unique circumstances. He promotes reinvolving the family unit in courtship, assuming parents have the wisdom to discern a suitable partner.

But what about:

• People in single-parent households?
• People with no parents.
• People with absent parents.
• People with trauma from their parents.
• People whose parents are traumatized.

The familial unit is broken, and its brokenness is incentivized on a systemic scale. Returning to the family unit as a basis for relational filtering assumes parents are present and capable. Some are not.

He does offer a solution: spiritual accountability partners, ideally a married couple rooted in God who can act as a barrier, educator, and supporter. They ensure the couple either arrives at marriage or parts amicably if misalignment wins. However, I struggle with the practical: how do I find an accountability couple as a young person who doesn't know many married people? How do I avoid "counterfeit oneness," whether emotionally or spiritually? How do I practice restraint with kissing and hugging? Jacob kissed Rachel before they were married (Genesis 29:11), though it was likely a cultural greeting, not romantic. I still itched to mention it.

I guess I'm wrestling with many things. I like this guy a lot, but my relationship with God matters more. I honestly couldn't care to be or not be with anyone. I had my time to obsess over wanting someone thanks to Barbie, Disney, and Wattpad. But it's not everything! And then I develop fEeLiNgS for this guy I'd been friends with for over a year, and that kinda disrupted my initial drive away from romance mania. I'm a virgin and intend to remain so - for God, absolutely, AND also to avoid the emotional fallout of premarital sex. My person is extremely supportive and, while not a virgin himself, has purified himself for God and devoted himself to condemning lust. Still, we're young and don't know where life will take us, where God will take us. We're currently long-distance. I'm a head-first person, which helps me act rationally and realistically (where I can, I'm human, ya know). I don't want to blindly enter counterfeit oneness and risk trauma that affects my walk with Christ. My parents separated tumultuously when I was six, and I've never been around a healthy relationship. I'm building my foundation brick-by-brick. So I'm forever curious about the minds and experiences of others, hoping it inspires me toward something better.

QUESTIONS:

!!! High Priority (for my curiosity)

1. Is it possible to conduct yourself responsibly in a relationship that isn't ready for marriage? How do you defend that choice in a culture that either demands immediate marriage or condemns it as spiritually compromised?
2. How do you avoid "emotional counterfeit oneness" while building genuine intimacy?
3. What does waiting for God's approval actually look like in practice? What signs might indicate readiness to pursue courtship?
4. How do you determine when commitment is appropriate, especially when Raunikar advises against pursuing it unless you're financially, physically, socially, emotionally, and spiritually ready?
5. How might a young person conduct themselves while single to continue building themselves for God and, by extension, for their future spouse?

!! Mid Priority (Theological, BIG THINGS!!!)

1. How might you define modern courtship vs. biblical courtship?
2. What does courtship actually look like in the Bible, and how should men and women conduct themselves differently (if at all)?
3. Dating vs. courtship: what's actually better for sustainable marriage?
4. Is it possible to date responsibly?
5. Do you believe in soulmates?
6. Raunikar says: "It's more important to be certain a marriage is God's will than to judge suitability by love, attraction, or compatibility." Do you agree?

! Miscellaneous (If you're not blurring yet, read on!)

1. What were your courtship/dating experiences like?
2. How did you balance modern expectations with what you were convicted to do by the Spirit?
3. Looking back before marriage, what do you wish you'd done differently? What do you regret?
4. Who did you turn to for relational and spiritual accountability, especially those without a functional family unit?
5. How do churches fail young people on the topic of desire and sexuality? How should this be addressed? How is it currently being addressed?
   1. Feel free to recommend YouTube channels, churches to follow, etc., for lurkers looking!

TLDR:

I (25F), in my first relationship, am trying to honor God while navigating modern dating vs. biblical courtship. Raunikar's framework (Book Here) appeals to me, but assumes functional families and perfect readiness (which doesn't exist). I am wrestling with: How does one conduct a relationship responsibly when it's not ready for marriage? How do you avoid emotional enmeshment? What does God's approval actually look like? And how do churches better support young people's real desires instead of deferring the conversation until after marriage?

Thank you for reading, and cheers! Have a blessed Saturday x ^_^