Why doesn't Tibetan buddhism feel like it should and how I wish it would
Hello.
I will try to be brief and still bring the point home. English is not my first language, so please be patient :) (No, I won't let AI correct my text!)
I was born Mormon in a mormon family. I left Mormonism in my early 20s. After a couple of years I discovered Buddhism thanks to the now gone Lama Ole, whom I thank very much. I did my ngondro, and moved a bit towards the Nyingma tradition: but because Nyingma teachers somehow don't like Europe or the country I am in very much, I mostly had to rely on the internet (praise be to Lama Lena!).
I would like to stress how important buddhism has been in my life:
* I wanted to turn to monasticism and dedicate my life to meditation
* I instead decided to marry and practice
* I practiced on average 1.5/2 hrs a day - for 15 years
* I currently participate in Madhyamika studies with Geshe Dorji Damdul, have completed Nalanda Diploma course, and am doing the Nalanda Masters course.
This is just to say that I am darn serious about the practice. But...
The fact that everything, absolutely anything, is dependently originated never really clicked with me. Interdependence moves under the power of certain rules, but what is the interdependence of those rules? Why is gravity the fraction of the squared distance? why not 2.3?
I understand that all phenomena are interdependent, but the way in which they are interdependent doesn't seem to be itself interdependent.
Now for the main part: meditation deities.
Lama Lena says that the symbolism of vajrayana works for everybody, because it is "intrinsic" to the nature of homo sapiens. Now, I really don't feel very closely connected to weirdly colored and creatively assembled meditational deities. Also bear in mind that, while some meditation deities are in fact mere avatars, others are not: Tara, is a personal being, just like me and you, she just is enlightened (while I clearly am not).
But I do not feel any connection to these deities. I have practiced millions of repetitions of Guru Rinpoche mantras, but he feels as real to me as a fairytale.
Then one day I decided to switch the image in my mind from that of Guru Rinpoche, during the Ngondro Guru Yoga practice, to that of Jesus. You have no idea what happened then: it's like the dam gave in, and all the water which had been holding for such a long time, came all crashing down. To put it mildly: I was overwhelmed to the point I started to weep.
Talk about archetypes and our ability or inability to play with them.
So, now I cannot be christian, and neither a buddhist. I relized all these weirdly colored "deities" have nothing to do with me, or my mind, or my psyche.
So, of course, I am lost.