u/Cool-Week7393

I (22F) have posted here before, so this is just part of the childhood trauma. For context my mum started telling me that I was the reason she wanted to die (amongst othwr things) when i was 4. it started when i was 4 and the abuse has kept carrying on. Anyway, here's some more of it.

I remember my mum locking me in the car and shouting in my face because I spent more time with my dad (at his sister's house) than I did her. That hapened when i was 13, and after we had seen a film. My sister was on the backseat.

When i was 17, I remember her breakdown where she got a knife and asked me and my sister why she shouldn't do it. She held it up to her throat. I told her that grandad wouldn't want her to (her dead dad). I then went into the next room crying, and emailed my school counselor (but it was Easter holidays so she couldn't help me immediately). She then came in with the knife in her right hand (it was the sharpest and biggest one we have) and said some stuff to me. I was just scared that she was gonna stab me so I went to the other side of the room and tried to fit I'm a tiny gap between the window and the cabinet. I was really scared but I can't remember the feeling directly. The terror doesn't come back. I think that's my brain's way of protecting me. I find it a bit funny, when I say that the ironic thing is that I was scared for months before this that my mum was gonna stab me. I guess you could say I have spidey senses. I know it's messed up but it is funny.

I had a social worker because of it and i still get the blame that i got more help than my mum did, because she was the one who had the breakdown.

Also, have you ever had a breakdown because you're so suicidal and mentally ill and your parents do nothing? I was screaming and hitting muself and stuff and i didn't come down for my dinner. My parents ate dinner as usual and then my dad eventually came up. This happened multiple times. I have had many a breakdown in that house and nothing was done about it. If i killed myself, i bet my parents wouldn't have actually cared. They would've just got angry at me.

Plus, there's a whole bunch of things that have happened that I can't remember as well. Like when she shouted at my and my sister for getting her a Teddy with a reduced price sticker on it, for mother's day, amongst the many presents we got her. We didn't even realise. And the thing is she loves to have a go at me and my sister before we're about to spend some sisterly time together. That's her prime time to shout at the both of us.

For 13 years, my dad never knew a thing. Because she would shout at us when he was at work, then she'd tell us to stop crying before my dad came home. And we never told my dad because we had mo ides what my mum would do when we were alone with her. It was bad enough already.

For over a year before the breakdown (after my grandad died on Christmas eve 2019, to april 2021), she would physically abuse herself in front of us. She'd hit her head with a cushion and scream into it. Hit herself with trays. She once threw a saucepan at my sister. I didn't see that though. Hitting her head against walls and cabinets. Hitting her head against the car window and I remember getting out the car and asking her to stop, refusing to get in until she stopped.

I remember her angrily getting onto the motorway from a slip road and she was driving dangerously with us in the car. I don't even remember why I was scared. I guess my brain blocked that out too. I just fee numb to all of this stuff. I get upset and cry over it but I don't feel anything else when I generally talk about it or think about it casually. I just feel kinda numb to it all to be honest.

During covid, she said she walk to to the motorway bridge, which was a few minutes walk from our house, and told us that she'd thought of jumping.

And when my grandad died, that's when she stopped saying that we were why she wanted to die. I see that as a pro and as a little win on my behalf.

When I told her that I wanted to keep my personal life private when I moved out, she told me I would be being secretive, so I shouldn't message my parents at all then, if I want to be that secretive. She expects me to message her when I'm dating someone and when it finishes because of "safety reasons". She doesn't want a random guy on the phone, phoning her up if I have an accident of some sort. She said it so angrily as well. The thing is, I can't be honest with her, why I want to keep my life private. I also did apologise her to keep the peace. This happened yesterday, so this is more hurtful to me than all of the other stuff at the moment.

I need to learn to stop any conversation with anyone in my immediate family, before it spirals into an argument. I know never to disagree with anyone, otherwise it will cause arguments, and then I can't relax until it's sorted. And then I just have to act as normal, even when my mum doesn't tell me that she loves me back.

I'm going to try to find a therapist when I move out but how do I deal with her in the meantime? and how should I deal with her after I move out?

My mum has been emotionally and mentally abusing me since I was 4. I am 22 now and I've gone through so much due to her. She has told me that I'm the reason she wants to die, drive off a bridge, and leave forever. She said all of this stuff way more than she tells me she loves me. She only says that she loves me when I say that I love her first. I feel like she doesn't choose to love me, she only loves me because I'm her daughter. I feel more love from my auntie than I do from her.

I feel so unloved and unwanted. My dad is emotionally dismissive (due to his troubled childhood). His childhood was miles worse than mine so he just tells me to not think about it.

I feel like there's nothing special about me and why would anyone choose me, when not even my own mother does.

I do have an older sister and she's definitely the favourite. She has been seriously ill once, where she had to be resuscitated but I definitely believe she was the favourite before that, as she would get shouted at less.

My mum also had a breakdown and I had a social worker because of it. I still get blame from both of my parents that the social worker helped me more than they did my mum. My mental health at the time was shit, as I had to go back to school after covid restrictions (march 2021).

I was heavily depressed for 6 years and when I told my parents after a year, they shouted at me and got angry. It made it worse. The worse thing is that my mum feigned to care about it, when I had a meeting at school about transitioning into year 11. I got so upset about it because she did not care in the slightest.

My mum has said all this stuff to me, where she's gotten right into my face. but who the fuck looks at their four year old child and says this stuff to them? she was saying that stuff to me for 12 years straight and she never once thought to stop. She blames all of this stuff on my dad, as he qas going to leave when I was 3. he fell in love with someone in the usa, online. he never left, as my grandad got cancer, and I'm still scared that he'll leave.

I'm so sick off all of this shit and this is only a fraction of the stuff that has happened over the my life. so much stuff has happened but I can't remember all of it. I think my brain has repressed it as a trauma response.

when I do move out, I don't want my mum to be involved but I just know that I can't escape her. I don't want her to be angry at me, especially when we see family together.

Sometimes I wonder if this is all fine actually, as I never got hit as a child. it was threatened at times but never actually happened.

I'm at a loss for what to do. I have no support system (I have two friends but they are really bad repliers. I know they care for me but they don't really show it). I don't have a boyfriend, never have but I don't even know what I'd be like as I feel like my mum has messed up my head. I feel so unworthy of love and affection. I keep thinking that there's nothing special about me so why would someone actually choose me.

I use ai apps to write pov fanfictions. I have no idea if this is a coping mechanism. who knows at this point.

also, my sister always back ups my mum when I have an argument with my mum. I am feeling like I can trust my sister less and less as time goes on.

I feel so used to keeping my feelings and emotions to myself, that when I do express them, I get shouted at. or I go crying to my mum like a little baby and I feel so stupid for wanting my mum to comfort me. I literally taught myself to silently cry when I was 6. there's nothing worse than a parent who hears you cry and purposefully ignores you. this has happened all my life and I just feel like it's completely normal to me. but it's so draining. I haven't found solid emotional support anywhere, so I feel that's it highly unlikely for me at all, especially if my own parents don't provide me with it.

I managed to get out of my depression by focusing on myself and working on my self confidence. I think today taught me that I'm not completely out of it though. I'm really struggling with how messed up my head is from all of it.

that's all for now. sorry for the rambling. it was just all coming out at once and there's so much stuff that has happened too but my mind is going blank.

I'm welcome to advice, especially if anyone has gone through something similar.

it just sucks so much growing up with an abusive mother and having no support system. I honestly sometimes feel worthless because not even my own mum cares about me.