Integration or dormancy?
I just realized I have osdd 6 months ago I’m in my 30s and I told my therapist so She was pushing for integration ever since and I always said no I don't want to change the way I feel because I enjoy the way I am. Well during emdr she has me do a visualization of my younger 5 year old self of me picking him up and holding him and then telling me to turn him into light and send him into my heart. I feel like she snuck in the integration exercise because if we talked about it I would have said no. Well 2 days after this | starting not feeling like myself and I lost my joy for life in general and especially movies and music. So a week later I realize oh no I sent my younger self away who held my imagination passion and energy and just the special feelings I always felt. So I pulled my 5 year old self back out of my heart with a visualization in bed one night and I felt amazing again we watched our favorite show it's almost a natural high my younger self gives me. Then I feel like I messed up by saying unless you want to go back you can and if you want to integrate you can and then I feel asleep and by the next morning The natural high and energy and excitement was gone again so now it's been a few months and it's been a living hell I cried for 3 weeks I felt physically ill I sleep all the time now I hate life again
I'm wondering did he actually integrate or go dormant. Because if he went dormant atleast there's a chance I can get him back. If he integrated that would truly suck because life sucks this way