Losing a friend and it’s infuriating me.
LONG POST ALERT! And TW for Abuse.
I 39f have had a friend 36f for a couple of years now. I met her through my Husband and she’s someone who has been an inspiration to me in that time. She’s inspired and helped me change my entire life and I owe her so much. For those few years I was also one of her biggest cheerleaders as she had also changed her life. Lost so much weight and made a name for herself in the running world in our town. It was truly incredible watching her grow and kick ass!
We would meet for coffee and catch ups every now and again. We would have some runs together. We would send memes, talk via text or I’d nip into her work every now and again. Honestly I’m not a people person at all, but I really liked her and liked building a friendship with her.
When we would meet up she would tell me all about her life. The past, the present and the future. The past, her husband had a 6 month affair when she was pregnant with their second son, but they chose to work it out for the kids.
The present, her running and how driven she was and how she wants to strive for greatness. But how she also felt alone, lonely, taken for granted, unloved and not supported at home. She would tell me the more confident she got, the more he put her down and never spent any time with her.
And the future, she had so many goals for herself and she wanted her husband to support her with them.
He never did though, he always complained about having to get up early to stand around waiting for her Everytime she ran. My husband was always running the same races so I was there doing the same thing cheering them both on. Being her biggest fan because her husband didn’t want to be there.
She’s always been someone though who from the outside looking in, you’d think she and her life was all happiness and sunshine all the time. You wouldn’t think she would have the problems she did.
Especially when she had changed her whole life and was now one of the healthiest and seemly confident women.
So in Feb when one day she went from so active online, talking to me most days and running 3x a week to nothing for over a week, I knew something was wrong. So I reached out asking if all was ok, she didn’t say yes, but she didn’t say no. So worried I pushed her to meet me because I was worried about her, and I found out that she had been having an affair with a man who was part of her running group.
Her mental health was so low and her husband didn’t care, it drove her towards someone else and 6 weeks of affair happened. Her husband found out because of her own mistake and obviously all hell broke loose.
First he kicked her out, didn’t let her see the kids and tried to keep her car from her. Then he let her back and said that she had to make it up to him and that meant no more running ever, leave the group she had been in for a year, he threw away all her running shoes, bibs and made her put away her medals. She had to remove all the people who were associated with the group and the affair man from her life, one of them was her literal best friend. She wasn’t allowed to run full stop. She wasn’t allowed to go anywhere without him. She had to check in with him everywhere she went when we was at work. He went to her work to check up ok her; I’ve managed to get her to meet me a couple of times and each time she’s had to call him several times. Send photos and if she doesn’t respond or do what he wants he gets mad at her. Honestly it’s been insane to bear witness too.
I mean I don’t know what affairs do to people, but I know that if you’re wanting to rebuild you can’t control someone like that.
I was hoping that as time went on and she proved to him that she was sorry and that she wanted to be with him, that things would relax. But it’s only gotten worse.
Feb to today she’s done nothing for herself. She’s been nowhere without him. It’s been this display of look how in love we are, we’re a team, us against the world. He’s doing everything she always wanted him to do that he didn’t for so many years. He is now the doting husband that she always wanted.
She has told me though is he’s telling her if she leaves him, he’ll hurt himself. But she’s said she now feels safe and loved in this bubble that he’s made. It blows my mind. He’s tied her down with buying a house and making her sign the deeds: he’s bought her a car but it’s in his name. He’s taking her places, buying her things.
Only if she asks to do things for herself it’s a no. If she asks to see people it’s a no. She’s asked to start running again for her mental health it’s a no.
One constant was me though. I knew how bad things were for her so I made sure she knew that I was there for her. That she knew I would come to her if she needed anyone. I went to see her at work for an hour where she would vent. I’d try and meet for coffee but I don’t think she was allowed. I tried. But I was always understanding. Angry but what can I do.
So end of last month she sent me a few messages on Whatapp about being exhausted and just needing a break. I told her that I would do whatever she needed me to do.
But the next time I got a message from her Number it was her Husband who had her phone. It was nothing sinister: it was about running. But to me it was a display of “I control everything she has!”.
He’s recently taken it up because it’s the only way he’ll allow her to run again is if he’s with her every single time. I replied to him asking him if he’ll let her train for an upcoming race with me and he replied with “she’s my wife not yours” that gave me the ick.
BUT literally the message just above his was her telling me how much she needs some time to herself. And i think he’s read that, seen our conversation and that it, I’m a threat and I’ve got to go.
Because like I said, we would talk or send each other silly memes on every single platform every single day. There was constant contact in some way.
And then it all stopped. I’ve not heard anything from her in 2 weeks.
I asked my husband what he thought as he saw her recently as she cuts his hair and he said she’s not allowed. He told her that I miss her and she said she’s missed me and would send me a message but hasn’t. So I reached out and just said I miss you, and she said I miss you too and I asked her to catch up and she left it on read. She still watches all my stories and reacts sometime on FB. She doesn’t react to my running things anymore and she doesn’t respond to my comments to her.
So to me that’s me finding out that I’m not a friend anymore in this new life of hers and honestly it’s really annoying me.
Because like I started off with, this woman was a huge inspiration for me. She was someone who helped me change my life and her confidence and growth was so important to me. I really liked having her as a friend and I don’t like many people.
And to watch how small she’s become in the last 4 months has been heart breaking. Yeah I know it was her fault but it’s not healthy surly.
How do I deal with this. I can’t get my feelings out to her because she’s locked down and she doesn’t listen or she can’t I don’t know. I’ve told her once before that he’s abusing her but she didn’t say anything, so what do I do. I don’t know how to not feel angry about the fact that I’ve allowed myself to be friends with someone new at my grand old age and it’s ended how it has. And I can’t help.
I don’t know how to process it because with me, I’m so confrontational. I am someone who will tell you exactly how I see things and I can’t do that because it doesn’t help anyone. So I’m just say bubbling with sadness and anger. Am I being ridiculous here. Do I just cut my losses or stay in the background letting her know that I still care. I just don’t know.